30: Reaching out is hard

I have a hard time starting to talk to people. I am what you would call a little anti-social. It’s an actual problem for people, those of whom are good with speaking to others. Some people just don’t like to talk to people they don’t know at first.

I have a mild case of the problem. I can’t exactly say that I’m completely anti-social because I do talk to others if put in that situation and while I am awkward, people find me pleasant to talk to. I just can’t start a conversation well.

Other people find it easier to take a first step and be friendly. I myself, am not this kind of person. For me reaching out is hard. That might make what my next step in life a little hard for me.

I’m going off to college and it’s in another state with no one I know anywhere nearby. I will be utterly alone with no one I know from before.

You can see how that can be a little daunting for me.

With this problem I find I can’t exactly escape the fear that it will be hard for me there but I also feel so reassured that this was the best choice for me.

Going out of my comfort zone a little at a time has always been my plan and this is just another step.

If I break it down I can reach out a little at a time and make a new friend each time then I should be fine.

In a months time I will be in a place alone with no old friend to help me through my new life.

It’s going to be great.

18: Floating Along Searching Part 2

Image via Wikipedia

I’m floating around still. I am still lost. Where is the land at! I feel like I have been floating around her forever now. How long has it been? Time started when I actually moved but now it seems I count the days by meals. I count the days by waves now. Somehow I’ve started counting the days in other ways than the actual movement of the sun. When I think about it I realize that the ocean actually makes up most of this speck of a planet. I should come across land soon though right? RIGHT!

I’ve gathered stuff on the way. It’s not much but I can’t just float on a board right? There are a lot of plant stuff around so I bound some more wood to my plank. I can get out of the water now but sometimes its cold. Sometimes I’m scared. I’m hungry and have no mass to me now. I need things but I can’t find them here. I have to keep moving.

I feel dead but I can’t give up. I am numb but I won’t stop. Why am I still moving again? Sometimes I forget. There is no one here to remind me. I’m not crazy yet but this situation would make anyone crazy. Or am I crazy? I forget. Things just are not easy here. Why is it so hard? I’m going though and learning on the way.

I’ve got quite the raft going now. It’s very impressive and that little raft gave me some hope and enthusiasm when I first put it together. I even figured out how to not die yet. Yes I’m very impressive right now. Or at least that’s what I though. I’m still hungry and I can’t quite figure out how to not be cold. There is nothing here anymore. I have to find something quick.

I don’t know which direction to go in though. I don’t know anything. What made me think I was awesome before? What made me think I was special? I am obviously not for being in this situation. I have to keep going though. Why, I can’t remember anymore.

Do you think it would be easier to drown? Maybe giving up would be easier. At least I wont be in pain anymore. But isn’t that kinda cowardly? I don’t know. Maybe I should keep going for a while longer. If it gets that bad maybe I’ll think of giving up again. I have to hope for a while longer. I have to keep going. Right?

This is stupid. There is no hope there is no chance. I have no reason anymore. I should just leave this stupid raft I put together on my own. I say that yet I don’t want to leave. It feels like the only think I’ve ever known.

What is that? Is it a blob? I can’t tell. I can’t see. Is it something? Can I dare to hope? This happened too many time already but is it something?

Look! There’s a beach! It really is one! I can’t believe it! There is someplace to get off at! Maybe I’ll be safe now. Maybe I’ll be ok! I just have to get there. I can do it! I can see it. I can do it. I’ve lasted this long I can make it.

I think I’ll just crash on this nice beach and just close my eyes for just one second. For just a little while I don’t have to worry about drowning. Maybe, someone will find me. Maybe I am finally free of the ocean.

Related articles

• 17: Floating Along Searching Part 1 (1behindthemask.wordpress.com)
• Toss Your Expectations Into the Ocean (zenhabits.net)

17: Floating Along Searching Part 1

Image by morgan.burke2 via Flickr

I feel like I’m drifting away. I look around and I’m floating on some kind of board and for some reason I’m just drifting along. It feels like a sea of nothingness.

Why am I just drifting? Why cant I find the shore? Which direction should I go in now? I was never really good with directions anyway. The sun is hot and my shoulders are tanned from floating around for so long.

Every time I look up I have hope and I hope some more but I feel defeated every time I look and the shore isn’t there. Where are you shore? How can I get out of the water? I have motion sickness. I can’t swim very well. Why do I feel like I can’t escape this ocean? My legs are tired and my grip on the board is weakening. How do I make it to the shore?

Where is it? My lips are chapped and I feel like I havent spoken in a long while. I havent really spoken for so long that my mouth doesn’t seem to remember how to move anymore.

I want this routine to change. I’m tired of drifting here. I need a change soon. I can’t keep doing nothing. My days are blurring together. I want to be free of this. I want time to move again. Please move again time.

Maybe time is moving but it’s me that’s stuck again. But why? I thought I was over this. I thought that I was done with this problem. How silly. Am I hindered again by something so ridiculous?

Were Is that damn shore! I need to be able to move again. The edges of my vision are turning black again. My head is light and I can’t feel anymore. The ocean is making me feel numb.

I’m not strong right now I am only numb. Being strong is when I can take the feeling and face it but I’m not being strong. I don’t feel much right now. Did I lose it in this ocean?

Is this even an ocean? I thought I would be found by now. Am I not to be saved? I thought I would have been saved and everything would work out good. Why is that not happening?

Nothing happens like that. The world isn’t going to magically pop some answer out of thin air. I can’t depend on that. I have to depend on my self to get to the shore. I can’t rely on something else. I have to be strong. I have to face it and get there on my own.

Snap out of it! MOVE!

Oh! My foot moved. I’m moving. Can I do this?

Maybe if I keep moving, I’ll get somewhere. Look. I’m moving. I can’t cry though. I need to save the water. There is enough salt around me already.

Look at me, I’m moving.

Related articles

• Moving with the tide, rolling with the hills – Puerto La Cruz, Venezuela (travelpod.com)
• Saltwater (beautifuleverydaythings.wordpress.com)
• Back to the basics… (trishborgdorff.wordpress.com)

16: High School Never really ends, You’re right

Image via Wikipedia

People always say that high school is special and you will never find a time like it. It’s a special time that you’ll never forget and there so many who wish to go back. People write so many books, movies, stories, just there is so much of high school being depicted everywhere. Is it really any less special than the rest of your life?

I wouldn’t have chosen this to write about today, I really didn’t know what to write and then Bowling for Soup came on playing “High School Never Ends“. I couldn’t help but laugh at the lyrics. It’s a really fun song to listen to and it’s true.

I don’t really get what’s so special about high school. Don’t get me wrong, I had so much fun and I wouldn’t take any of it back and maybe even later I’ll want to go back to that time to re-live it and all but I want to do that to any time period. I want to be 5 again some days and do dumb stuff at playgrounds. I want to read books from when I was 12 some days. Sometimes I even want to be younger just so I don’t have to pay full price on the bus. It’s silly to put so much stock in being in high school though. Why is our media and such centered on high school? What is so great being a teenager than any other year?

The song is actually about how people act though in high school. I too assumed that all the jerks in the world would grow up out of high school and that there would be less dummies out there but, sigh, it is not true. Don’t get me wrong, I figured out a long time ago it seems that the world is full of people caring about silly things and being useless and incapable of talking about anything important.

Have you ever had a conversation about nothing with some one for too long? It’s weird how you can talk forever about media and fads. None of those things really matter so how can people talk only about those particular things? I too talk about fads and such but I like to have intellectually interesting conversations every once in a while. I’ve come home from school and whined to my parents on how nobody ever talks about anything EVER.

Ok, that’s not true but the vast amount of people who do make this world a little depressing. People are just like that. I wish I could be young enough to believe that people would stop being dumb at a certain point of adulthood but even then I would be ignorant to the truth.

People are just disappointing sometimes. Isn’t it weird?

I agree with Bowling for Soup, high school never ends, not really. It’s honestly the same. School is replaced with job and people are still people just with different names.

I don’t know how I still have hope in the world when I look at it like this. But for some reason I can’t help but feel like I always have a choice and it’s not completely hopeless.

I guess what fustraights me is that people don’t choose to be different.

13: Making Memories and Reminiscing

Me at Barton Springs in Austin TX

Today I was broken out of my “do nothing” marathon I was having in my room. Other than thinking and blogging all I have been doing is listening to music and reading manga. Yeah, pretty dorky but it’s a good rest before I go to college.

My very good friend got me and my brother out of the house to go swimming at Barton Springs. I very much enjoy Austin, especially the free side of Barton Springs. Having memories there are important before I leave. I’ll look back and see pictures, have memories and visit again soon with those I care about. I hope to keep those memories and continue to create them.

Once finished, my friend Sara and I started to wonder what we’ll miss most about orchestra. For us orchestra was like our clubhouse, our home at school, the place we went whenever we felt like it. It was always ok to go to orchestra. It was always fun there. We always laughed and all of us orch-dorks were good friends.

I’ll miss playing pool with each other on Mondays at Slick Willies with Megan, Josh, Grace and Sara. I’ll miss playing Signs with everyone there. I’ll miss the inside jokes (Look! I’m a tree!) and the fun we always had together no matter what. I’ll miss Mr. Baird and his wacky personality and every one of us being together. How can I not miss something so like a second family?

I’ll be able to visit but it won’t be the same. That same feeling, I don’t think, will exist again exactly like that. It won’t be the Crockett Orchestra for me anymore. Those are memories now. Very important and special memories. I love them very much. We were all so different, so special to work together with. I have that in my heart but it is over now.

I’ll have another family elsewhere, I can hope at least that it will happen for me when I move. It wont be the same and it wont be better but I can hope I will be lucky enough to have a similar feeling of home away from home again.

Memories are special. I will always have my orchestra family and I will always have great friends to get me out of the house.

Those feelings are warm and surround me like the sun’s rays as I lay out on the rock at Barton. Just because I am in a different place, it doesn’t make those rays any less warm.