32: I’m a little worried

Image by s.alt via Flickr

Yeah I know I have college on the brain but can you blame me? I mean It’s less than a month away now. Stuff keeps happening and I at least have the first semester paid for already. So that’s fine.

The thing that might be getting to me is leaving. It hasn’t quite hit me just yet but I guess that’s to be expected. I can’t just realize what it’s going to feel like when I’m gone and in a new place having a roommate for the first time. It’s not something that’s easy to just take.

I’m the kind of person that thinks and thinks and thinks some more before I do anything. I also prepare myself for anything and everything I can before it happens. It’s almost like I’m setting myself up for failure just so I can be prepared for worst case scenario. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it is just something that makes me, me.

It’s something I don’t want to change or grow in. It’s odd but I enjoy being prepared and thinking things through instead of heading head first into a new situation.

I’ve thought this through already and I believe I made an amazing choice but I just worry about myself emotionally.

I’m not an emotional person, I am more logical so I worry about that sometimes. I don’t want to be known as a robot so I make sure to show emotion ever once in a while or at least try to explain my feelings. It’s better than staying silent.

This is my system. I’m worried but that’s a part of the cycle. I’m going to be fine.

I’m just a little worried.

21: Floating Along Searching Part 5

Image by Joost J. Bakker IJmuiden via Flickr

I’ve felt safe here for a while. It’s nice and I enjoy it. Why would I leave? It would be harder to leave anyway and it will be more difficult out there. So why do I want to leave?

I know this place but it’s lonely. I know every plant now, every hide hole, every rock, every landmark. I understand it all so maybe it’s time to move on. It’s safe and reassuring but it’s my comfort zone.

If I want something better I have to leave my comfort zone. I have to go out into the unknown ocean and find something better.

Maybe I’ll get lucky.

After a long period of working hard and preparing for everything I believe I am finally ready to set out in the ocean. I am ready to face the unknown.

It’s been a while since I left the safer island but I’m doing fine. I’ve prepared myself very well. The ocean is scary but I think I’m doing very well. So far so good. I think I’ve got everything going smoothly right now.

Yeah, that all went down the drain now. Everything is ruined now. I haven’t seen any catchable fish for a while now and all my water has run out. I’m trying but it’s going really badly.

I’m about to pass out now. I’ve thought a lot about this journey. What does it even mean? This is all I think about while I lay here.

I run my hands through the sea and feel my chapped lips smile weakly. This ocean is like my thoughts. They flow and create waves. They take me places. My thoughts make me able to learn and take me to a place where I’ve grown.

That island was like my personal check point. I had to leave it when I stayed there too long. If I hadn’t it would have been like I was a 10 year-old trying to fit into a toddlers clothes. That can’t work. I was like the lobsters shedding their shells. I can’t stay there when I’m growing.

It feels like I’m free here now. Last time I was scared and I am still but at least I chose to be here this time. I chose to search for knowledge and to find a better place. I wanted to be the best I could be so I couldn’t stay somewhere where I couldn’t grow.

I am cold, but warm at the same time. I understand a little more now. My eyes are closing but at least my heart and mind are free to keep looking. I’ve grown. I’ve learned so much. How can I feel selfish now? I am happy in a weird way.

Trying to learn more. Searching for knowledge. All of this is difficult. Maybe all this work is worth it though. Something is going to work out. I was doing fine before, but I feel like I know more now.

I think I hear something. I think something is happening. I hear voices, or at least what I think is voices. I haven’t heard them in a while.

I think. I think I’m ok now.

Even so, I’ll have to go out in the ocean again someday. Maybe I wont be alone next time. Maybe I was never really alone.

19: Floating Along Searching Part 3

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When I thought I was safe, someone should have slapped me in the face for thinking something so stupid. If there was such a person then that would be fine because then at least there would have been someone to discuss stuff with. Some one to suffer with.

This is an island I found. It’s safer than the ocean that’s for sure. I woke up on the beach of an uninhabited island. Great. But I have to be positive. This island is better than nothing. My legs are shaky. I can’t stand very well right now and I am so thirsty.

I look up and hope for water on this stupid island. There has to be some kind of thing to drink here. I have to survive.

I learned something new. I got what I wanted, it rained. Yeah I got water but now I’m really cold and wet. I learned how to make a shelter. Good for me. Did I mention this really sucks. At least I’ve got water now. I somehow figured out how to save it. Don’t ask.

Things are hard here just like in the ocean. What is with this world making it so hard for me? At least it’s better. I need to explore when I’m more settled. How weird I’m actually settling here. Stupid.

I have looked around a lot and have a rhythm again. It just sucks a lot less now. Things are hard. My feet hurt and I keep learning new tricks. At least I can do things now. I’m quite impressive am I not?

What was I thinking? I’m still stuck here. Why is that impressive? I should at least know everything about this place I’m stuck on. I am going adventuring. Good thing I have my skills now.

What skills was that again? I fell too many times. It’s really hard but this island is not too large. It has quite a good amount of vegetation though. I’m not hungry.

I have selected the best place to stay in now. I’ve started keeping track of the days on this tree. Too many days have passed. Things are hard still. Will they ever be easy again?

I want to be found. I want to be saved. Why can’t I be helped? Don’t I deserve it? I work hard and its difficult but I deserve to be at ease right? I’ve been on this island for a while now. Don’t I deserve something better than having to go through all this trouble?

What am I saying? What have I done to deserve anything? People don’t get things easy like, they earn them. I earned this island and I will earn something better. I won’t be a princess in a tower I haven’t acted like one yet. I won’t lie, I wished it was that easy.

This is the same as the ocean. I will find something better. I will work for something better.

Time to start on that.

38: Thinking of Nothing

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How can I put this, have you ever wasted 3 to 5 hours and you look at the clock and realize you can’t remember what happened or what you even thought of? Well I have. I wasn’t reading or watching TV or really thinking, I was just lying on my bed and closed my eyes and did nothing. There was music on but I couldn’t say that I heard it very much. I was conscious but you could say that I wasn’t really in my room. I couldn’t have told you what I was thinking of at all if you asked. I was thinking of nothing.

The whispers in the night

Thoughts run through all minds, or at least all the minds that are working as they should. I find that my thoughts run faster when I am alone and its dark. These thoughts reveal who we are and show our true nature. And this leads me to fear that my thoughts if voiced uncensored would impede and trample the feelings of others. So I find that I end up wearing a mask that hides these raw thoughts.

This mask is strong because over the years it has hidden my insecurities, bonded and sealed my thoughts and only let through the sifted and safe ones to voice out loud in the daytime. Some would say this is overly sensitive and leads to messed up emotions due to bottling them up, but at night I can unbottle these emotions. I let go these unheard thoughts, these unspoken thoughts and whisper them safely into the night.

The night to some, is frightening and unsafe, but to me its a haven, a place of safety from the light that would expose my face so easily readable for all to see. These emotions I try to hide revealed for all to see. You see, people go out at night, sleep at night while I am safe and secure in the darkness of my room at midnight.  When I feel safe I lift my head and whisper the thoughts that reveal the truth I feel. At night I take of my mask. The strong mask that everyone sees. I reveal and allow myself to feel what I truly feel. Because I am safe.

I can hide in the night and not be seen or heard. The darkness of the night and the safety of my room hides my revealed self. In the dark, I now discard my veil and show myself but in the same moment show it to no one. Or at least that’s what I did before.

But now I find a computer screen in front of me, lighting up my face. Revealing the one behind the mask and displaying it for all to see. These black letters are just as dark as my room hiding the truth in me but are lit up by the computer screen. I am revealed for all who wish to see. And its scary. These thoughts were only for myself and if no one reads them it fine with me. The thought of others reading my thoughts scares me because reading one’s thoughts is more than that. You are reading me.

This is me. These incoherent babbling thoughts on life and all the creatures in it like myself reveal who I am. The essence of me. Everything you read hides a little of that person who wrote it inside. For you are seeing something that most people never reveal to strangers. I believe this is my soul. These letters typed into cyberspace for all to see is documenting and preserving who I am at this second in my life.

While I doubt that anyone would find the ramblings of a young girl interesting, I hope that this young girl will be entertaining and memorable enough for you to accept.

We all just want to be accepted.