I have prided myself in not really being addicted to any particular activity. I try to be flexible and not rely on anything because someday that thing might not be there. Maybe it runs out or you can’t afford it, sometimes it gets lost or you cant see it anymore. Whatever the situation may be, it is just a way to protect myself from getting hurt.
I am not very brave.
I fear just about everything but I do my very best to hide it and protect myself. I feel like it is a competition of will and I really don’t like to lose or show weakness. Sure, no one really does, but I feel like I am at a battle with fear and while it affects me, I won’t give in. I don’t want to give fear the satisfaction of seeing me affected by it. I won’t allow it.
Lately though I find it hard to go through a day without my tea.
I must have it. I want it very much and sometimes it’s needed more on harder days. I love my tea. I appreciate the smell and the taste and even the feeling of refreshment from either cold or warm tea. After I drink tea, I feel happy and relaxed. I need it.
My back is always tense and I am always stiff but once I have tea, I relax, I’m happy. Talking over tea is my favorite thing to do. Reading a book while listening to music while drinking tea is fun. I enjoy it to no extent. I want that. That peace is precious and special.
Sometimes I think tea is a blessing.
I might be addicted to it though. I love it so much. It makes me happy, so very happy.
What if I lose that? I don’t want to lose my happiness. Haha, I’m ridiculous for fearing something so silly.
It’s weird though.
It doesn’t feel silly to me. Sure its small, but I don’t want to lose it. It seems selfish to me but I am human and we are selfish creatures. I never want to get addicted to anything because I fear the loss of it, the loss of my happiness.
Honestly, if tea is gone from my life for whatever reasons I would be ok. I would be upset about it and sad but I would be ok. That is only because I am fearful of letting anything extremely close to my heart.
I’ve gotten better though. I have gotten closer to becoming braver and more open than before. I find that I am very happy now, more happy than I have felt when I was closed off from everyone.
Even now I drink my iced tea careful not to spill on my fancy computer. It’s funny because the spoon is always there from my habit of taking it. The taste is sweet and it is refreshing because no matter what I do this heat is hard to fight off in my AC-less house.
Even as I get another cup, I have to be careful of how much sugar I put in because my mom is hovering over my shoulder. She gets mad if I put more that 2 spoonfuls. Even though I really should ration how much I use, I want the sweet taste of the sugar in my wonderful tea.
I want to get more out of life than just 2 spoonfuls. I am a greedy human.
Three spoonfuls is better.