20: Floating Along Searching Part 4

I drew this and it shows what this post is about

This island is really nice. I actually quite enjoy it. I found a very welcome rhythm to this life. I’ve still been keeping track of the days though. I feel like I don’t know anything though.

I still don’t know exactly where I am at the moment. Why is such a place existing anyway? Why do I have to be here and what is the purpose? I guess that’s why I’m here though. I can see that it’s going to be a hard journey but I won’t stop. I will figure something out. I have so far. I must have faith.

Today was especially difficult. I have fallen behind on schedule. I made a goal for myself. Isn’t that precious? I feel like a child planning their future in college while in elementary school. I am excited about leaving the island.

That’s what I plan to do. I will leave the island and search for my own place. I will figure out the meaning of this journey though. I keep thinking about it since I have so much free time.

I haven’t gotten very far with the whole message of this thing just yet but I feel like I’m on the verge of figuring it out. It’s like I’m grasping at something between the seat of a car, searching for something a little out of reach under a bed. I can see it but can’t touch it. It feels so close like this moon. I feel like it’s a goal and I can almost reach it. Will I be able too?

I have made a couple of test rafts to see if I can actually do this. To be honest I failed miserably at first. survival stuff is really hard for someone like me but I guess the hardest thing is being alone.

People shouldn’t be alone. It’s bad for them. I wish I had anyone here so that we could work together. Honestly anyone would work. I just need someone other that the bugs to keep me company. People need people and let’s get this straight, I know I am a person. Being alone sucks.

It certainly feels lonely working all by myself. A big part of me hates that but some small bit is happy for the fact that I can take care of myself. A person has to go through that in their life though right? There must be a period where we are alone and to get through it proves you’re worth and that you deserve to be where you are.

I earned this island, and while its unfair, I feel glad that I got to this point.

I am capable and confident on this island. I feel safe here. That’s hard to believe but its true. I can handle it.

This is the point where I prove myself and work hard.

Time to start another day.

12: Perfection should never exist

Image by Graela via Flickr

Isn’t perfect scary? Who would want to be perfect? I don’t understand that need. It would be predictable and annoying not to mention just plain boring. It’s also impossible and rightfully so.

People strive to be perfect and that is just silly to me. Why would you want to strive for something that is not reachable? What is perfect anyway? Who came up with such a silly word? Some think of it to be without any faults or defects but isn’t that impossible? You can tell that its been debated because they add to it stuff like “satisfying all requirements” or “as close as possible” is sort of like qualifying it. Perfect used in the term of “Ideal” is an acceptable use of the word but some people really believe that someone is perfect or should strive for it. What a silly view.

Perfect is boring. Sometimes the gems with the blemishes and imperfections are the most beautiful and interesting. The “Ideal” person doesn’t make it the best or the most wonderful one. Who would want to be perfect anyway? Isn’t that hard to keep up?

Perfect means you are at the limit, the end of your existence and can’t and wouldn’t be able to advance any further. How depressing. Who wants to reach a limit? Who wants to be just perfect? Who wants to be “Ideal” or “Satisfying”? Nobody should want that.

We should want to be better. Become our best and work to be better. If we got to a point of “Perfection” wouldn’t that be depressing? Our life would hold no other meaning anymore. If someone could even grasp perfection then what else would they have to do anymore? They would have no meaning anymore.

This is how I feel though. Maybe I’m wrong or whatever but I find perfect to be annoying and terrifying as well as impossible.

I should hope that perfection never exists, ever. It would be a bad day, depressing and the world would lose all meaning. I want to always strive to be better.

I want to work and work and sweat and fight and tire and try again the next day. I want a battle and I want to be better. I am selfish and greedy, I want more and I want to be smarter and I want to be more understanding. I want so much. I want everything.

Perfect would get in the way. There is no perfect. There is no “Ideal”. There is only better.

I want to work and be better. I want to keep living to be better. I want the best and then I want something better than that.

I am greedy but I want to work to get there. It can get better.

Perfect will never exist for us humans.

Perfect is stupid, I look for something higher up than that.

Don’t you want to look higher too?

8: Locked Doors

Image by m thierry via Flickr

Locked doors. Are they not curious? I mean when you see something that’s locked are you not a little bit curious as to whats behind it?

When you’re little, girls especially, have these diaries with locks on them with cute little pictures and rainbow-colored paper. They were fun and interesting but hard to keep up with, at least it was for me. I was looking through one of mine the other day and well, I realize that they were pretty lame. It’s hard to realize how silly and unimportant the things in your life was back then. Even only a year ago, something you thought that was important feels pretty insignificant now.

We lock things because we find them important enough to hide. Maybe its to keep out of our own temptation or maybe the temptation of others, but what ever the reason there are locks out there.

Sometimes we want to hide things but other times people use locks to protect whats precious to them too. Feelings and thoughts that are for one person alone, those are important and priceless sometimes. Those feelings can be embarrassing and are private, no one wants to be revealed.

Things that are locked inside of us are harder to open. You can’t force open those inner locks. Keys for something like that are even harder to find and harder to use.

Secrets and hidden things are important for people. It gives them a sense of security with themself. Nobody want’s to be figured out so easily, nobody want’s to be vulnerable.

It’s hard to open up and trust. It’s hard to take off a lock and hope that a closed-door is enough for people. It’s hard to trust someone with a key and hope that they don’t misuse it. Trusting is difficult. It takes time to feel comfortable with it.

Maybe I have too many locks but I hope that’s understandable. It’s not a big deal is it? To want to protect myself? Sometimes I don’t pay attention and forget. It can be frightening to look up and realize someone easily got through.

You curse yourself for your silliness and then the person has to start all over again.

I’m sorry person.

Some people are guarded like me. Give them a chance. It takes time. When they pull away, they don’t really mean it to be harsh. They are just hiding because they are scared.

We are all really just scared.

5: Three spoonfuls is better

I have prided myself in not really being addicted to any particular activity. I try to be flexible and not rely on anything because someday that thing might not be there. Maybe it runs out or you can’t afford it, sometimes it gets lost or you cant see it anymore. Whatever the situation may be, it is just a way to protect myself from getting hurt.

I am not very brave.

I fear just about everything but I do my very best to hide it and protect myself. I feel like it is a competition of will and I really don’t like to lose or show weakness. Sure, no one really does, but I feel like I am at a battle with fear and while it affects me, I won’t give in. I don’t want to give fear the satisfaction of seeing me affected by it. I won’t allow it.

Lately though I find it hard to go through a day without my tea.

I must have it. I want it very much and sometimes it’s needed more on harder days. I love my tea. I appreciate the smell and the taste and even the feeling of refreshment from either cold or warm tea. After I drink tea, I feel happy and relaxed. I need it.

My back is always tense and I am always stiff but once I have tea, I relax, I’m happy. Talking over tea is my favorite thing to do. Reading a book while listening to music while drinking tea is fun. I enjoy it to no extent. I want that. That peace is precious and special.

Sometimes I think tea is a blessing.

I might be addicted to it though. I love it so much. It makes me happy, so very happy.

What if I lose that? I don’t want to lose my happiness. Haha, I’m ridiculous for fearing something so silly.

It’s weird though.

It doesn’t feel silly to me. Sure its small, but I don’t want to lose it. It seems selfish to me but I am human and we are selfish creatures. I never want to get addicted to anything because I fear the loss of it, the loss of my happiness.

Honestly, if tea is gone from my life for whatever reasons I would be ok. I would be upset about it and sad but I would be ok. That is only because I am fearful of letting anything extremely close to my heart.

I’ve gotten better though. I have gotten closer to becoming braver and more open than before. I find that I am very happy now, more happy than I have felt when I was closed off from everyone.

Even now I drink my iced tea careful not to spill on my fancy computer. It’s funny because the spoon is always there from my habit of taking it. The taste is sweet and it is refreshing because no matter what I do this heat is hard to fight off in my AC-less house.

Even as I get another cup, I have to be careful of how much sugar I put in because my mom is hovering over my shoulder. She gets mad if I put more that 2 spoonfuls. Even though I really should ration how much I use, I want the sweet taste of the sugar in my wonderful tea.

I want to get more out of life than just 2 spoonfuls. I am a greedy human.

Three spoonfuls is better.

2: This feeling of Limbo

Image via Wikipedia

What should I do? Nothing right? Why am I upset like this or in reality why am I not more upset? Isn’t this upsetting? Life is complicated and thus we feel crushed by its power to change.

So many people around me, ok thats a lie, my very close very best friends including myself are having problems and we all feel hopeless or incapable of doing anything. We are frozen in a terrible spot stuck on the desisions of the other party. How sad, the feeling of not having any control.

Its a terrifying feeling in the gut of my stomach. The inability to have a choice because you can’t make the other person decide. It’s their choice, all we can do is sit and wait.

Waiting can be sufficating. So painfull. Like we’re drowning. But not.

Eh I’m just being an angsty drama queen. I in fact have a different sort of problem than my friends but as I said it can be terrifing. The lack of control is awful. Just imagining their feelings is what brought me to this. I guess I’m sort of dedicating this post to them.

My heart clenches with the feelings of being left behind. The doubt and the pain of waiting, It’s like watching someone swinging on the edge of a branch mere seconds away from falling to their doom yet the suspence is almost as painful as said doom. The feeling is sufficating. Waiting. Waiting. It’s not like there is something that I can do or they can do. We are just waiting because we can’t do anything.

I am better off right now because I have accepted that I can’t do anything so while I am upset I can’t worry too much about it. There is hardly anything to do so I should let it go.

Let it go.

It will work itself out. Certainly.

Yeah well, say that to my gut. I’d like to breathe again.