20: Floating Along Searching Part 4

I drew this and it shows what this post is about

This island is really nice. I actually quite enjoy it. I found a very welcome rhythm to this life. I’ve still been keeping track of the days though. I feel like I don’t know anything though.

I still don’t know exactly where I am at the moment. Why is such a place existing anyway? Why do I have to be here and what is the purpose? I guess that’s why I’m here though. I can see that it’s going to be a hard journey but I won’t stop. I will figure something out. I have so far. I must have faith.

Today was especially difficult. I have fallen behind on schedule. I made a goal for myself. Isn’t that precious? I feel like a child planning their future in college while in elementary school. I am excited about leaving the island.

That’s what I plan to do. I will leave the island and search for my own place. I will figure out the meaning of this journey though. I keep thinking about it since I have so much free time.

I haven’t gotten very far with the whole message of this thing just yet but I feel like I’m on the verge of figuring it out. It’s like I’m grasping at something between the seat of a car, searching for something a little out of reach under a bed. I can see it but can’t touch it. It feels so close like this moon. I feel like it’s a goal and I can almost reach it. Will I be able too?

I have made a couple of test rafts to see if I can actually do this. To be honest I failed miserably at first. survival stuff is really hard for someone like me but I guess the hardest thing is being alone.

People shouldn’t be alone. It’s bad for them. I wish I had anyone here so that we could work together. Honestly anyone would work. I just need someone other that the bugs to keep me company. People need people and let’s get this straight, I know I am a person. Being alone sucks.

It certainly feels lonely working all by myself. A big part of me hates that but some small bit is happy for the fact that I can take care of myself. A person has to go through that in their life though right? There must be a period where we are alone and to get through it proves you’re worth and that you deserve to be where you are.

I earned this island, and while its unfair, I feel glad that I got to this point.

I am capable and confident on this island. I feel safe here. That’s hard to believe but its true. I can handle it.

This is the point where I prove myself and work hard.

Time to start another day.

14: Floating Flying Feathers

Image by Marius Waldal via Flickr

Feathers are amazing are they not? Just thinking of how interesting and amazing they are makes me happy. The softness and fuzzy feeling of a feather makes me so very happy.

It’s silly to think about but I love feathers. I love the way they float in the sky and the feeling they create. It sort of feels like they are free and happy little objects. Yeah, I know it’s weird to think that feathers are “happy” but don’t they look like that to you?

Sometimes I wish I could be covered in soft feathers. I want the security feeling of softness and the ticklish itch it can create with a touch. I want to fly like birds do with their feathers and wings. Wings would be very cool but I don’t think I would be able to fly with just wings and they would get in the way. My bones are just too dense so they wouldn’t be useful.

But a girl can dream.

I wish I could fly like that feather and be taken away by the wind sometimes. I wish I could float happily in the sunset as a beautiful soft feather making other people happy.

Haven’t you seen a feather and just become happy? I have. It’s a wonderful feeling to feel elated just by watching a feather float around.

Feathers seem so gentle and fragile but they can be strong when they work together with other feathers. It’s quite amazing. It’s like people. We seem so vulnerable and weak but when we work together we can somehow do amazing things.

Yeah, sometimes being like a feather would be nice. I’d like to think that it would though. Sometimes not being in control and flowing with the wind seems like an easy way to live. Being something useful and beautiful, well appreciated, it seems nice to simply be a happy object floating in the wind taken away without a care in the world.

On the other hand I could never stand to be a feather. I’m just not that kind of person. I firmly believe that I make the decisions in my life. I feel with all my heart that I am the way I am because of my choice. I could never be ignorant and not have a care. I could never freely float around happily all my days making people happy with my presence. I am just not capable of doing something like that.

It is incompatible with my personality.

I’m not a feather but I do like to admire them. I am not so silly as to truly wish to be like a feather because I am glad to be who I am. So I’ll never be a feather.

I’ll never be a feather but I do very much love them and their innocent like grace.

I am a medium in more ways than my T-shirt size.

Yes I wear a medium (usually). But I am also a fence sitter. Which makes me a medium in another way. I also like a medium hot sauce too.(And y’all should shut up about not being able to handle the heat! Just because I am from Texas and we have Tex-mex doesnt mean I have to kill my taste buds with the overpowering hot sauce!) So, it goes to show you, I like it medium.

Medium is okay. I find that I can be medium in many things. Not bland in looks,(I am not that pretty nor ugly) Not too smart or too dumb, just in between. I find that I either like something or understand something but I never hate it and never obsessively love it. That’s just how I am.

I like it medium. I guess it’s anoying to never really chose a side, but I guess I am chosing a side. Not too bland nor too hot. It’s a safe place for me. I guess some people like to be dangerous and some like to be extra safe but I find that I like to be in the middle most of the time. That’s not a bad thing.

I like medium a lot. Most of the things that work best in the world works because its medium. It’s not too left or too right. Its medium. And I like that. That is how we function in the world best. Medium people do things less out there, but they are the ones that keep the world working together. We need them to bridge the gap between those who feel extra intense about things and love to be loud and those who like it quiet and extra mellow.

I love medium. Not to say that we don’t need those other people! Oh life would be boring without mild and hot people! But…..

I am medium. It make’s sense to me. Why be one-sided? Why be two dimensional when you can be three! Why take the extreme of one side or the other. I guess it makes me selfish, not wanting to choose a side but that’s how I am.

Oh yes, I am medium and I am happy here.

I am a happy medium.

When ever I am not a happy medium, when I feel like being hot or mild I just remember this.

Mild tastes to bland to me. And mild people don’t look like they enjoy it as much. And hot people can’t enjoy the taste of anything else.

So go ahead people, when you get burned or when you don’t taste I will just look at you and laugh because I will look down and realize something.

I’m medium!

The whispers in the night

Thoughts run through all minds, or at least all the minds that are working as they should. I find that my thoughts run faster when I am alone and its dark. These thoughts reveal who we are and show our true nature. And this leads me to fear that my thoughts if voiced uncensored would impede and trample the feelings of others. So I find that I end up wearing a mask that hides these raw thoughts.

This mask is strong because over the years it has hidden my insecurities, bonded and sealed my thoughts and only let through the sifted and safe ones to voice out loud in the daytime. Some would say this is overly sensitive and leads to messed up emotions due to bottling them up, but at night I can unbottle these emotions. I let go these unheard thoughts, these unspoken thoughts and whisper them safely into the night.

The night to some, is frightening and unsafe, but to me its a haven, a place of safety from the light that would expose my face so easily readable for all to see. These emotions I try to hide revealed for all to see. You see, people go out at night, sleep at night while I am safe and secure in the darkness of my room at midnight.  When I feel safe I lift my head and whisper the thoughts that reveal the truth I feel. At night I take of my mask. The strong mask that everyone sees. I reveal and allow myself to feel what I truly feel. Because I am safe.

I can hide in the night and not be seen or heard. The darkness of the night and the safety of my room hides my revealed self. In the dark, I now discard my veil and show myself but in the same moment show it to no one. Or at least that’s what I did before.

But now I find a computer screen in front of me, lighting up my face. Revealing the one behind the mask and displaying it for all to see. These black letters are just as dark as my room hiding the truth in me but are lit up by the computer screen. I am revealed for all who wish to see. And its scary. These thoughts were only for myself and if no one reads them it fine with me. The thought of others reading my thoughts scares me because reading one’s thoughts is more than that. You are reading me.

This is me. These incoherent babbling thoughts on life and all the creatures in it like myself reveal who I am. The essence of me. Everything you read hides a little of that person who wrote it inside. For you are seeing something that most people never reveal to strangers. I believe this is my soul. These letters typed into cyberspace for all to see is documenting and preserving who I am at this second in my life.

While I doubt that anyone would find the ramblings of a young girl interesting, I hope that this young girl will be entertaining and memorable enough for you to accept.

We all just want to be accepted.