27: I will be happy

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Blogging every day is kinda hard. I’m at 27 now and while there is a lot to type about I don’t know if I really feel like it all the time.

This writing everyday, it’s really good exersize for my mind, but I guess it can be a little difficult. Sometimes stuff happens and you don’t feel like sharing or nothing acutally happens.

Stuff happens I guess. There’s nothing much I can do about it and won’t cry. I’m not exactly the crying type anyway. What’s worse is when things happen and you kind of saw them coming. You feel like some sort of idiot.

I don’t really know if that makes sense but I guess what I mean is something like this. For a person who thinks in worse case senarios, I can say that it henders you a lot when you want to do things or be happy. It’s like some kind of inner battle with yourself before things even happen. The thing that really beats down on you is when what you were expecting to happen actually happens. It loses its surprise or pain.

Part of me is happy for that. Part of me is glad that I morn for a loss before I lose it because everything is lost eventually. It feels less hurtful when it happens. You feel the pain but at least you can face it better. Pain makes you stronger. Thus that makes pain important and good, in a way.

I say that but I also find it a silly and a stupid way to look at things. Pain should be avoided right? Pain is awful and hurtful and can scar people for life. How can such a thing be good?

I should be happy. I really should. Things are going awful but I really should be happy because things are going great for me as well.

Stuff happens and things get in the way but I wont make excusses. I wont say I can’t. I will be happy. I’ll take fear sadness pain anger, I’ll take all of it on and beat it to the ground. I wont lose. I don’t like to lose even to feelings. I wont stop those feelings from happening. That’s impossible, but I will not be ruled by them. I will not cry untill I wish too.

I will be happy because I should be.

20: Floating Along Searching Part 4

I drew this and it shows what this post is about

This island is really nice. I actually quite enjoy it. I found a very welcome rhythm to this life. I’ve still been keeping track of the days though. I feel like I don’t know anything though.

I still don’t know exactly where I am at the moment. Why is such a place existing anyway? Why do I have to be here and what is the purpose? I guess that’s why I’m here though. I can see that it’s going to be a hard journey but I won’t stop. I will figure something out. I have so far. I must have faith.

Today was especially difficult. I have fallen behind on schedule. I made a goal for myself. Isn’t that precious? I feel like a child planning their future in college while in elementary school. I am excited about leaving the island.

That’s what I plan to do. I will leave the island and search for my own place. I will figure out the meaning of this journey though. I keep thinking about it since I have so much free time.

I haven’t gotten very far with the whole message of this thing just yet but I feel like I’m on the verge of figuring it out. It’s like I’m grasping at something between the seat of a car, searching for something a little out of reach under a bed. I can see it but can’t touch it. It feels so close like this moon. I feel like it’s a goal and I can almost reach it. Will I be able too?

I have made a couple of test rafts to see if I can actually do this. To be honest I failed miserably at first. survival stuff is really hard for someone like me but I guess the hardest thing is being alone.

People shouldn’t be alone. It’s bad for them. I wish I had anyone here so that we could work together. Honestly anyone would work. I just need someone other that the bugs to keep me company. People need people and let’s get this straight, I know I am a person. Being alone sucks.

It certainly feels lonely working all by myself. A big part of me hates that but some small bit is happy for the fact that I can take care of myself. A person has to go through that in their life though right? There must be a period where we are alone and to get through it proves you’re worth and that you deserve to be where you are.

I earned this island, and while its unfair, I feel glad that I got to this point.

I am capable and confident on this island. I feel safe here. That’s hard to believe but its true. I can handle it.

This is the point where I prove myself and work hard.

Time to start another day.

10: Smiles are Contagious

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Isn’t smiling great? Smiling is very important and when you’re sad, a smile from a friend is everything. We use smiles to put people at ease, make a good impression and simply to show our happiness. How is it that something so small as a smile is capable of changing your day?

A smile is special and so very useful. It can express your happiness in a way that words cannot. Just getting a friend or a special person to smile can be the whole point of your day. And when you smile that transfers over to a friend or loved one so easily that they couldn’t possibly not smile back. It can be oh so very contagious, much like a good laugh. When you really care, something as small as a smile can mean so much.

That simple upturn of your lips can be a mask to hide behind as well. When you want to hide your pain and sadness a smile, while now not contagious, can keep people at bay. It hurts to be sad all the time and it’s hard to be around friends when you can be a little depressed but sometimes a smile to cover that up, no matter how difficult it is to do or how unconvincing it is, is all that you can do. It is something to hide behind, something to give to people instead of sad expressions or tears. Even if it doesn’t work it is at least something.

All we want to do is be happy right?

Smiles make people happy. Smile. Smile. Smile. Just writing this makes me smile.

If I can make people smile just by writing and sharing then I think I’ll have to do it more often.

Do what makes you happy and if you get the chance smile, smile for other people so that they too may in turn smile back.

Keep smiling.

6: Feelings with Undiscovered Reasons

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What is this random sadness? There is no reason for me to be sad randomly like that. I was having fun, surrounded by people I liked and enjoying myself just fine. So why the sadness?

What is with these random feelings that come out of no where? I can feel my smile deflating and my happiness disappear. Where did it go and what caused it?

I feel terrified of this. I don’t understand and I have no explanation for what happens to me. I don’t like being unable to explain something pertaining to myself, especially my feelings. Why was I sad! Why did I get upset? What is the matter with me?

Was it subconscious? Was it something that happened around me? Was I sad for someone else or myself? I can’t even figure that part out.

How very. . . . . . . . . disturbing.

I am disturbed by this. Why did it happen? I would really like to understand.

Whatever the reason may be (for I have no inkling on an idea) there is nothing I can do about it. After a few minuets the upset feeling for not understanding faded and I turned to a mode of rational processing.

There is nothing to do about this problem. It was small and while it caused a storm inside me, it hadn’t truly affected me in any other way. There is no reason to get upset over such a silly thing. There is no reason to worry about something that you can’t change.

What happened has happened. The feelings you felt once upon a time could very well change, that is what made it the past. You feel sad or happy or angry, sure at the time, but if you carry it over, what is the point of that? Those are simply false feelings now. People shouldn’t worry about such silly things. Everything is an experience and soon enough those mysteries will be figured out.

Sometimes those mysteries have terrifying conclusions.

Maybe not knowing now is important. I’ll figure it out when I’m ready.

I think I’ll be happy today. Yeah, happy would be nice.