27: I will be happy

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Blogging every day is kinda hard. I’m at 27 now and while there is a lot to type about I don’t know if I really feel like it all the time.

This writing everyday, it’s really good exersize for my mind, but I guess it can be a little difficult. Sometimes stuff happens and you don’t feel like sharing or nothing acutally happens.

Stuff happens I guess. There’s nothing much I can do about it and won’t cry. I’m not exactly the crying type anyway. What’s worse is when things happen and you kind of saw them coming. You feel like some sort of idiot.

I don’t really know if that makes sense but I guess what I mean is something like this. For a person who thinks in worse case senarios, I can say that it henders you a lot when you want to do things or be happy. It’s like some kind of inner battle with yourself before things even happen. The thing that really beats down on you is when what you were expecting to happen actually happens. It loses its surprise or pain.

Part of me is happy for that. Part of me is glad that I morn for a loss before I lose it because everything is lost eventually. It feels less hurtful when it happens. You feel the pain but at least you can face it better. Pain makes you stronger. Thus that makes pain important and good, in a way.

I say that but I also find it a silly and a stupid way to look at things. Pain should be avoided right? Pain is awful and hurtful and can scar people for life. How can such a thing be good?

I should be happy. I really should. Things are going awful but I really should be happy because things are going great for me as well.

Stuff happens and things get in the way but I wont make excusses. I wont say I can’t. I will be happy. I’ll take fear sadness pain anger, I’ll take all of it on and beat it to the ground. I wont lose. I don’t like to lose even to feelings. I wont stop those feelings from happening. That’s impossible, but I will not be ruled by them. I will not cry untill I wish too.

I will be happy because I should be.

5: Three spoonfuls is better

I have prided myself in not really being addicted to any particular activity. I try to be flexible and not rely on anything because someday that thing might not be there. Maybe it runs out or you can’t afford it, sometimes it gets lost or you cant see it anymore. Whatever the situation may be, it is just a way to protect myself from getting hurt.

I am not very brave.

I fear just about everything but I do my very best to hide it and protect myself. I feel like it is a competition of will and I really don’t like to lose or show weakness. Sure, no one really does, but I feel like I am at a battle with fear and while it affects me, I won’t give in. I don’t want to give fear the satisfaction of seeing me affected by it. I won’t allow it.

Lately though I find it hard to go through a day without my tea.

I must have it. I want it very much and sometimes it’s needed more on harder days. I love my tea. I appreciate the smell and the taste and even the feeling of refreshment from either cold or warm tea. After I drink tea, I feel happy and relaxed. I need it.

My back is always tense and I am always stiff but once I have tea, I relax, I’m happy. Talking over tea is my favorite thing to do. Reading a book while listening to music while drinking tea is fun. I enjoy it to no extent. I want that. That peace is precious and special.

Sometimes I think tea is a blessing.

I might be addicted to it though. I love it so much. It makes me happy, so very happy.

What if I lose that? I don’t want to lose my happiness. Haha, I’m ridiculous for fearing something so silly.

It’s weird though.

It doesn’t feel silly to me. Sure its small, but I don’t want to lose it. It seems selfish to me but I am human and we are selfish creatures. I never want to get addicted to anything because I fear the loss of it, the loss of my happiness.

Honestly, if tea is gone from my life for whatever reasons I would be ok. I would be upset about it and sad but I would be ok. That is only because I am fearful of letting anything extremely close to my heart.

I’ve gotten better though. I have gotten closer to becoming braver and more open than before. I find that I am very happy now, more happy than I have felt when I was closed off from everyone.

Even now I drink my iced tea careful not to spill on my fancy computer. It’s funny because the spoon is always there from my habit of taking it. The taste is sweet and it is refreshing because no matter what I do this heat is hard to fight off in my AC-less house.

Even as I get another cup, I have to be careful of how much sugar I put in because my mom is hovering over my shoulder. She gets mad if I put more that 2 spoonfuls. Even though I really should ration how much I use, I want the sweet taste of the sugar in my wonderful tea.

I want to get more out of life than just 2 spoonfuls. I am a greedy human.

Three spoonfuls is better.

2: This feeling of Limbo

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What should I do? Nothing right? Why am I upset like this or in reality why am I not more upset? Isn’t this upsetting? Life is complicated and thus we feel crushed by its power to change.

So many people around me, ok thats a lie, my very close very best friends including myself are having problems and we all feel hopeless or incapable of doing anything. We are frozen in a terrible spot stuck on the desisions of the other party. How sad, the feeling of not having any control.

Its a terrifying feeling in the gut of my stomach. The inability to have a choice because you can’t make the other person decide. It’s their choice, all we can do is sit and wait.

Waiting can be sufficating. So painfull. Like we’re drowning. But not.

Eh I’m just being an angsty drama queen. I in fact have a different sort of problem than my friends but as I said it can be terrifing. The lack of control is awful. Just imagining their feelings is what brought me to this. I guess I’m sort of dedicating this post to them.

My heart clenches with the feelings of being left behind. The doubt and the pain of waiting, It’s like watching someone swinging on the edge of a branch mere seconds away from falling to their doom yet the suspence is almost as painful as said doom. The feeling is sufficating. Waiting. Waiting. It’s not like there is something that I can do or they can do. We are just waiting because we can’t do anything.

I am better off right now because I have accepted that I can’t do anything so while I am upset I can’t worry too much about it. There is hardly anything to do so I should let it go.

Let it go.

It will work itself out. Certainly.

Yeah well, say that to my gut. I’d like to breathe again.

1: Changing

We are all changing. Its like when our hair grows out. You never really notice how long it’s getting untill you look a photo months ago or when you see someone after a long time. Those little changes seem like nothing at the moment of their existence but later on you realize that you’re a different person. Completely covered by that new and changing form you just recently just brushed on.

It’s the layers you gather over the years, or the leaves you grow over time like a plant. How much is covering us right now? Where is the 5-year-old we were years ago? I can’t ever remember that well anymore. Memories have faded and the world is changing slowly. So slowly that we don’t even notice.

How can we?

We are so focused. So intent of do things in a certain way at a certain time that we can’t seem to look around all the time and notice the changes. With our blinders on we can hardly see when to turn and like a horse on a race track we are simply told to run and keep running by someone above us that we can’t even physically see. Just like that horse we feel the presence of that force driving us to keep doing what we must.

Change is constant in life. We are growing and dying at the same time. How odd. We grow mentally and even physically but at the same time we are expiring. Dying slowly. Our cells falling from our skin our organs getting older. We are forever aging and yet . . .  growing.

High School is over for me as well as for all my classmates. We are all moving on. Growing up, moving away. I will leave soon too. And another change will occur for me.

It seems that we only notice the changes when a large one happens. Moving or graduating or going to college. Whatever the event, we never notice the changes untill we look in a mirror one day or pack our material items we collected over the years.

I am changing and I can see it. My hair is different and I will be starting a new life soon. Soon I’ll be very different. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be different.

Maybe I’ll know when my hair gets longer. I think it already has grown so much since I got it cut.

Maybe it grew since I last checked.

Maybe you grew too.

I thought we had brains, maybe we should use them?

AP English Lit is so awesome. I love these warm ups.

“It’s not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it.” Rene Descartes (1596-1650)

People all have minds that work. Everyone does, it’s silly to think otherwise. Everyone has the ability to be “smart” as they say. The question is, are people willing to try?

I don’t try as hard as many may belive in fact, I hardly try as much as I should but  this small ounce of effort gives me what I have right now.

The possibilities are endless for everyone. Anyone, no matter where they are or where they came from can be something. I know people who are smart, intelligent but won’t put that effort forward, wont try, it  makes me sad.

I want to go up and say “Just try, just try a little you can do it, I know you can” If they can’t see it, I want to make them see what I see. Make them see the possibilities.

We are all worth it but I can’t do it on my own. I can’t make you self aware.

You have to do it on your own.