27: I will be happy

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Blogging every day is kinda hard. I’m at 27 now and while there is a lot to type about I don’t know if I really feel like it all the time.

This writing everyday, it’s really good exersize for my mind, but I guess it can be a little difficult. Sometimes stuff happens and you don’t feel like sharing or nothing acutally happens.

Stuff happens I guess. There’s nothing much I can do about it and won’t cry. I’m not exactly the crying type anyway. What’s worse is when things happen and you kind of saw them coming. You feel like some sort of idiot.

I don’t really know if that makes sense but I guess what I mean is something like this. For a person who thinks in worse case senarios, I can say that it henders you a lot when you want to do things or be happy. It’s like some kind of inner battle with yourself before things even happen. The thing that really beats down on you is when what you were expecting to happen actually happens. It loses its surprise or pain.

Part of me is happy for that. Part of me is glad that I morn for a loss before I lose it because everything is lost eventually. It feels less hurtful when it happens. You feel the pain but at least you can face it better. Pain makes you stronger. Thus that makes pain important and good, in a way.

I say that but I also find it a silly and a stupid way to look at things. Pain should be avoided right? Pain is awful and hurtful and can scar people for life. How can such a thing be good?

I should be happy. I really should. Things are going awful but I really should be happy because things are going great for me as well.

Stuff happens and things get in the way but I wont make excusses. I wont say I can’t. I will be happy. I’ll take fear sadness pain anger, I’ll take all of it on and beat it to the ground. I wont lose. I don’t like to lose even to feelings. I wont stop those feelings from happening. That’s impossible, but I will not be ruled by them. I will not cry untill I wish too.

I will be happy because I should be.

7: Looking up from Nothing

Late night blogs are always the best and most dramatic and angsty. I don’t know what it is about the dark that reveals so much in your heart. Whatever it is, I tend to write really well when I can’t get an idea out of my head. Here it is that’s kept me up.

It’s a weird feeling. Like when you lie down for too long and when you get up, you’re vision goes black and you head turns light. You feel as if you weigh so much that you are about to fall over. That feeling of falling over without much of an ability of being able to stop it, that is similar to this feeling. My heart feels heavy and I feel like there is something inexplicably wrong with me. I didn’t realize this feeling for a while though.

I didn’t realize how much it hurt and what it meant. I didn’t know what it was. Now I do. It was me realizing that what I thought I had turn out to really be nothing. My head had processed it in the back of my mind and I, like an idiot, finally realized it. I was searching so hard for a label for what I thought I had.

I tried on many, donning them like outfits, articles of clothing or jewelry that could easily be removed, but I realized that they just covered up what it really was. It was makeup. It is a mask that I had created for myself yet again but this time instead of tricking others to hide what I wanted I tricked myself.

I tricked myself, what an awful feeling. I hid something from myself, it was shrouded in darkness and now it feels like that mask was ripped off like duck tape over a mouth. I can hear it screaming at me. I feel betrayed but it was my own fault for creating something I thought was real while in fact it was something so small.

That doesn’t make it insignificant or any less important but like a childish ignorant girl, I took that and blew it out of proportion in my mind. How could I be so cruel to myself? I hurt myself and I am dealing with it.

There is no label for what I had because it was Nothing. I thought it could be something but I distorted it so much. I can’t blame it because it was always Nothing. Absolutely and completely Nothing. Nothing is happening and Nothing happened. I misunderstood and kept running with it. What an idiot I am. How stupid was I that I actually . . . . . . .

This is the part where I sigh and cheer myself up. I need to become hopeful because that is all I have going for me. I see the world and am cynical but I must be hopeful. I can’t spiral out of control.

I am strong.

I realized it and will learn. I won’t stop hoping but I also won’t fall for my own allusions no matter how convincing they are.
For now the label for what I have is Nothing but it has potential. Maybe now isn’t the best time seeing what’s ahead, but it still is possible.

Anything is possible.

I won’t miss label things. I won’t be upset anymore because I understand what I have.

Nothing is actually a seed in my hand. It is nothing at the moment, it can’t give shade and it’s not helpful, it doesn’t give me fruit nor is particularly useful but it has potential. It can grow and it could become something amazing.

I have to believe and hope. Hope is the very best thing to have when you have Nothing.

When you have Nothing beneath you all you have to do is simply look up and there is still potential right above you.

5: Three spoonfuls is better

I have prided myself in not really being addicted to any particular activity. I try to be flexible and not rely on anything because someday that thing might not be there. Maybe it runs out or you can’t afford it, sometimes it gets lost or you cant see it anymore. Whatever the situation may be, it is just a way to protect myself from getting hurt.

I am not very brave.

I fear just about everything but I do my very best to hide it and protect myself. I feel like it is a competition of will and I really don’t like to lose or show weakness. Sure, no one really does, but I feel like I am at a battle with fear and while it affects me, I won’t give in. I don’t want to give fear the satisfaction of seeing me affected by it. I won’t allow it.

Lately though I find it hard to go through a day without my tea.

I must have it. I want it very much and sometimes it’s needed more on harder days. I love my tea. I appreciate the smell and the taste and even the feeling of refreshment from either cold or warm tea. After I drink tea, I feel happy and relaxed. I need it.

My back is always tense and I am always stiff but once I have tea, I relax, I’m happy. Talking over tea is my favorite thing to do. Reading a book while listening to music while drinking tea is fun. I enjoy it to no extent. I want that. That peace is precious and special.

Sometimes I think tea is a blessing.

I might be addicted to it though. I love it so much. It makes me happy, so very happy.

What if I lose that? I don’t want to lose my happiness. Haha, I’m ridiculous for fearing something so silly.

It’s weird though.

It doesn’t feel silly to me. Sure its small, but I don’t want to lose it. It seems selfish to me but I am human and we are selfish creatures. I never want to get addicted to anything because I fear the loss of it, the loss of my happiness.

Honestly, if tea is gone from my life for whatever reasons I would be ok. I would be upset about it and sad but I would be ok. That is only because I am fearful of letting anything extremely close to my heart.

I’ve gotten better though. I have gotten closer to becoming braver and more open than before. I find that I am very happy now, more happy than I have felt when I was closed off from everyone.

Even now I drink my iced tea careful not to spill on my fancy computer. It’s funny because the spoon is always there from my habit of taking it. The taste is sweet and it is refreshing because no matter what I do this heat is hard to fight off in my AC-less house.

Even as I get another cup, I have to be careful of how much sugar I put in because my mom is hovering over my shoulder. She gets mad if I put more that 2 spoonfuls. Even though I really should ration how much I use, I want the sweet taste of the sugar in my wonderful tea.

I want to get more out of life than just 2 spoonfuls. I am a greedy human.

Three spoonfuls is better.

Life and Where We Stand

So dudes, this is my journal entry from AP English class. We warm up by writing what we think from a quote, so that’s why there is a quote from Gandhi in the beginning. I read it to the class and everyone started talking like I just wrote/read the deepest thing they couldn’t imaged from this quote.

I think maybe I was just nervous or something, that I just imagined the reaction but I still liked what I wrote just the same.

“There is more to life than in increasing its speed.”

-Mahatmas Gandhi (1869-1948)

When we think, almost every person wants to buy pass all the troubles and move to success. We think and ask for goals and press to get to them quickly. We work so hard to get a jump-start on life that we sort of miss out on it.

“I need to take AP classes so I can get college credit” or “So it looks good on applications.”

We don’t think about learning for fun or taking it easy because our society asks for us to advance. To ignore the pointless things that later on won’t matter, but what if it does matter?

What if we want to know those little tid bits of information?

The way our country is running is that we press so hard to succeed quickly that once we get there we forget why we wanted it in the first place.

How can we keep families going if they all are focused on the wrong things?

Everyone’s priorities are out of whack. People are confusing what matters for getting farther ahead.

Politics: yeah they affect you too

I know that politics suck. No body wants to get into it and trust me I am with you on that one. Basically politics is a form of manipulation that is legal.

I finally decided to post another blog because

1. Its been a VERY long time since ive posted a blog
2. It’s a sort of tribute to my government and economy class I took at ACC
3. I know my buddies are all taking that class now while I am typing this on my off period and I thought I would give them a heads up.

So what I learned is that our founding fathers were geniuses. I mean, you realize that they came up with this years and years ago and we still use the system today. My ACC teacher was in love with the Federalist papers and we mostly focused on 10 and 51 (which were written by Madison) and those thoughts were amazing. While I for one hate what people did to politics and warped the central ideas of the founders, I have to say that Government is an amazing subject filled with interesting ideas and policies that somehow fit together in a way.

Just so you know my favorite quote is from Madison, and I will never forget it because it is so TRUE! “If men were angels, no government would be necessary.” I love this quote. If we were perfect, if we were infallible, incapable of being tainted or committing evil then we wouldn’t have to give up our rights or to be more accurate, our freedoms to a government.

I feel people are being stupid if they think that they can have all of these benefits and stations, or more facilities without having to pay taxes. It’s freaking equivalent exchange. YOU must give something up to GET something back. You can’t ask for things and expect to get your taxes lowered too. It’s ridiculous how people think. You give up things to the government for a reason. You can’t go around taking other people’s things because you gave up that power so you would be protected from other people who might just do that to you. 

All of this power that we as individuals give up, is given to the government and is equally split up among the Federal and state, the branches of government, the representatives, the law makers, the mayors, the neighborhood leaders and even church groups. All of this power given up is shared and divided so that no one could possibly be able to completely take over the government. It is literally impossible. Unfathomable.

They made it that way on purpose. People like Madison knew that if humans had too much power then they would be corrupted by it. I know that if I was the only leader of a nation, I would have to split my powers so I won’t take over and manipulate and misuse my power. I know that I am capable of being corrupted. I am after all human.

So even if you don’t like politics or are at all interested in the government, there is a reason to learn it. We are affected by it every day. The ads on TV the things we eat, the books we read the money we are paid and pay as well as the rules we follow are all aspects that have been touched by the government that rules over this country. 

It’s good but it’s pretty awful too. Sometimes you’ll look in the news and see actual representatives of the states say things like “We need to get rid of the 14th amendment” and you’ll think “WHAT THE HELL! ARE THEY ALL RETARDED THERE!” (the fourteenth amendment, you will learn, it is an extremely important amendment to the bill of rights. It makes sure that you are protected from not only the federal government as well as the state. The states could have technically done whatever they wanted to the people legally for almost 80 years untill the amendment was ratified.) You WILL most definitely feel like the government, that is so important to everyone in this country’s lives including yours, is run by a bunch of idiots and that it could be better led by a bunch of teenagers. (I do) 

You will also learn that the media that supplies us with information is led by a small group of people who are billionaires and don’t care if you get accurate or unbiased opinions, just that they get a profit.

YOU WILL be disgusted by businesses (like the ones that caused the oil spill in the gulf) that care more about money and getting a profit than the greater good or the safety of their employees.

It’s a disgusting world out there and you go to class to learn these things and not stay ignorant of the world around you. They affect you whether you believe it or not.

Maybe you’ll learn something this year. After I finished my class (BTW I got a B so take that suckers!) I felt like I really got to take something from that class. I felt better prepared for life and found my opinions a little after that semester.

I hope everyone has a great experience like mine.

Good luck to all of you that has to take those classes. (My heart goes out to you while I sit here comfortably typing this out during my off period. :P take that)