21: Floating Along Searching Part 5

Image by Joost J. Bakker IJmuiden via Flickr

I’ve felt safe here for a while. It’s nice and I enjoy it. Why would I leave? It would be harder to leave anyway and it will be more difficult out there. So why do I want to leave?

I know this place but it’s lonely. I know every plant now, every hide hole, every rock, every landmark. I understand it all so maybe it’s time to move on. It’s safe and reassuring but it’s my comfort zone.

If I want something better I have to leave my comfort zone. I have to go out into the unknown ocean and find something better.

Maybe I’ll get lucky.

After a long period of working hard and preparing for everything I believe I am finally ready to set out in the ocean. I am ready to face the unknown.

It’s been a while since I left the safer island but I’m doing fine. I’ve prepared myself very well. The ocean is scary but I think I’m doing very well. So far so good. I think I’ve got everything going smoothly right now.

Yeah, that all went down the drain now. Everything is ruined now. I haven’t seen any catchable fish for a while now and all my water has run out. I’m trying but it’s going really badly.

I’m about to pass out now. I’ve thought a lot about this journey. What does it even mean? This is all I think about while I lay here.

I run my hands through the sea and feel my chapped lips smile weakly. This ocean is like my thoughts. They flow and create waves. They take me places. My thoughts make me able to learn and take me to a place where I’ve grown.

That island was like my personal check point. I had to leave it when I stayed there too long. If I hadn’t it would have been like I was a 10 year-old trying to fit into a toddlers clothes. That can’t work. I was like the lobsters shedding their shells. I can’t stay there when I’m growing.

It feels like I’m free here now. Last time I was scared and I am still but at least I chose to be here this time. I chose to search for knowledge and to find a better place. I wanted to be the best I could be so I couldn’t stay somewhere where I couldn’t grow.

I am cold, but warm at the same time. I understand a little more now. My eyes are closing but at least my heart and mind are free to keep looking. I’ve grown. I’ve learned so much. How can I feel selfish now? I am happy in a weird way.

Trying to learn more. Searching for knowledge. All of this is difficult. Maybe all this work is worth it though. Something is going to work out. I was doing fine before, but I feel like I know more now.

I think I hear something. I think something is happening. I hear voices, or at least what I think is voices. I haven’t heard them in a while.

I think. I think I’m ok now.

Even so, I’ll have to go out in the ocean again someday. Maybe I wont be alone next time. Maybe I was never really alone.

20: Floating Along Searching Part 4

I drew this and it shows what this post is about

This island is really nice. I actually quite enjoy it. I found a very welcome rhythm to this life. I’ve still been keeping track of the days though. I feel like I don’t know anything though.

I still don’t know exactly where I am at the moment. Why is such a place existing anyway? Why do I have to be here and what is the purpose? I guess that’s why I’m here though. I can see that it’s going to be a hard journey but I won’t stop. I will figure something out. I have so far. I must have faith.

Today was especially difficult. I have fallen behind on schedule. I made a goal for myself. Isn’t that precious? I feel like a child planning their future in college while in elementary school. I am excited about leaving the island.

That’s what I plan to do. I will leave the island and search for my own place. I will figure out the meaning of this journey though. I keep thinking about it since I have so much free time.

I haven’t gotten very far with the whole message of this thing just yet but I feel like I’m on the verge of figuring it out. It’s like I’m grasping at something between the seat of a car, searching for something a little out of reach under a bed. I can see it but can’t touch it. It feels so close like this moon. I feel like it’s a goal and I can almost reach it. Will I be able too?

I have made a couple of test rafts to see if I can actually do this. To be honest I failed miserably at first. survival stuff is really hard for someone like me but I guess the hardest thing is being alone.

People shouldn’t be alone. It’s bad for them. I wish I had anyone here so that we could work together. Honestly anyone would work. I just need someone other that the bugs to keep me company. People need people and let’s get this straight, I know I am a person. Being alone sucks.

It certainly feels lonely working all by myself. A big part of me hates that but some small bit is happy for the fact that I can take care of myself. A person has to go through that in their life though right? There must be a period where we are alone and to get through it proves you’re worth and that you deserve to be where you are.

I earned this island, and while its unfair, I feel glad that I got to this point.

I am capable and confident on this island. I feel safe here. That’s hard to believe but its true. I can handle it.

This is the point where I prove myself and work hard.

Time to start another day.

19: Floating Along Searching Part 3

Image by Frank217 via Flickr

When I thought I was safe, someone should have slapped me in the face for thinking something so stupid. If there was such a person then that would be fine because then at least there would have been someone to discuss stuff with. Some one to suffer with.

This is an island I found. It’s safer than the ocean that’s for sure. I woke up on the beach of an uninhabited island. Great. But I have to be positive. This island is better than nothing. My legs are shaky. I can’t stand very well right now and I am so thirsty.

I look up and hope for water on this stupid island. There has to be some kind of thing to drink here. I have to survive.

I learned something new. I got what I wanted, it rained. Yeah I got water but now I’m really cold and wet. I learned how to make a shelter. Good for me. Did I mention this really sucks. At least I’ve got water now. I somehow figured out how to save it. Don’t ask.

Things are hard here just like in the ocean. What is with this world making it so hard for me? At least it’s better. I need to explore when I’m more settled. How weird I’m actually settling here. Stupid.

I have looked around a lot and have a rhythm again. It just sucks a lot less now. Things are hard. My feet hurt and I keep learning new tricks. At least I can do things now. I’m quite impressive am I not?

What was I thinking? I’m still stuck here. Why is that impressive? I should at least know everything about this place I’m stuck on. I am going adventuring. Good thing I have my skills now.

What skills was that again? I fell too many times. It’s really hard but this island is not too large. It has quite a good amount of vegetation though. I’m not hungry.

I have selected the best place to stay in now. I’ve started keeping track of the days on this tree. Too many days have passed. Things are hard still. Will they ever be easy again?

I want to be found. I want to be saved. Why can’t I be helped? Don’t I deserve it? I work hard and its difficult but I deserve to be at ease right? I’ve been on this island for a while now. Don’t I deserve something better than having to go through all this trouble?

What am I saying? What have I done to deserve anything? People don’t get things easy like, they earn them. I earned this island and I will earn something better. I won’t be a princess in a tower I haven’t acted like one yet. I won’t lie, I wished it was that easy.

This is the same as the ocean. I will find something better. I will work for something better.

Time to start on that.

18: Floating Along Searching Part 2

Image via Wikipedia

I’m floating around still. I am still lost. Where is the land at! I feel like I have been floating around her forever now. How long has it been? Time started when I actually moved but now it seems I count the days by meals. I count the days by waves now. Somehow I’ve started counting the days in other ways than the actual movement of the sun. When I think about it I realize that the ocean actually makes up most of this speck of a planet. I should come across land soon though right? RIGHT!

I’ve gathered stuff on the way. It’s not much but I can’t just float on a board right? There are a lot of plant stuff around so I bound some more wood to my plank. I can get out of the water now but sometimes its cold. Sometimes I’m scared. I’m hungry and have no mass to me now. I need things but I can’t find them here. I have to keep moving.

I feel dead but I can’t give up. I am numb but I won’t stop. Why am I still moving again? Sometimes I forget. There is no one here to remind me. I’m not crazy yet but this situation would make anyone crazy. Or am I crazy? I forget. Things just are not easy here. Why is it so hard? I’m going though and learning on the way.

I’ve got quite the raft going now. It’s very impressive and that little raft gave me some hope and enthusiasm when I first put it together. I even figured out how to not die yet. Yes I’m very impressive right now. Or at least that’s what I though. I’m still hungry and I can’t quite figure out how to not be cold. There is nothing here anymore. I have to find something quick.

I don’t know which direction to go in though. I don’t know anything. What made me think I was awesome before? What made me think I was special? I am obviously not for being in this situation. I have to keep going though. Why, I can’t remember anymore.

Do you think it would be easier to drown? Maybe giving up would be easier. At least I wont be in pain anymore. But isn’t that kinda cowardly? I don’t know. Maybe I should keep going for a while longer. If it gets that bad maybe I’ll think of giving up again. I have to hope for a while longer. I have to keep going. Right?

This is stupid. There is no hope there is no chance. I have no reason anymore. I should just leave this stupid raft I put together on my own. I say that yet I don’t want to leave. It feels like the only think I’ve ever known.

What is that? Is it a blob? I can’t tell. I can’t see. Is it something? Can I dare to hope? This happened too many time already but is it something?

Look! There’s a beach! It really is one! I can’t believe it! There is someplace to get off at! Maybe I’ll be safe now. Maybe I’ll be ok! I just have to get there. I can do it! I can see it. I can do it. I’ve lasted this long I can make it.

I think I’ll just crash on this nice beach and just close my eyes for just one second. For just a little while I don’t have to worry about drowning. Maybe, someone will find me. Maybe I am finally free of the ocean.

Related articles

• 17: Floating Along Searching Part 1 (1behindthemask.wordpress.com)
• Toss Your Expectations Into the Ocean (zenhabits.net)

17: Floating Along Searching Part 1

Image by morgan.burke2 via Flickr

I feel like I’m drifting away. I look around and I’m floating on some kind of board and for some reason I’m just drifting along. It feels like a sea of nothingness.

Why am I just drifting? Why cant I find the shore? Which direction should I go in now? I was never really good with directions anyway. The sun is hot and my shoulders are tanned from floating around for so long.

Every time I look up I have hope and I hope some more but I feel defeated every time I look and the shore isn’t there. Where are you shore? How can I get out of the water? I have motion sickness. I can’t swim very well. Why do I feel like I can’t escape this ocean? My legs are tired and my grip on the board is weakening. How do I make it to the shore?

Where is it? My lips are chapped and I feel like I havent spoken in a long while. I havent really spoken for so long that my mouth doesn’t seem to remember how to move anymore.

I want this routine to change. I’m tired of drifting here. I need a change soon. I can’t keep doing nothing. My days are blurring together. I want to be free of this. I want time to move again. Please move again time.

Maybe time is moving but it’s me that’s stuck again. But why? I thought I was over this. I thought that I was done with this problem. How silly. Am I hindered again by something so ridiculous?

Were Is that damn shore! I need to be able to move again. The edges of my vision are turning black again. My head is light and I can’t feel anymore. The ocean is making me feel numb.

I’m not strong right now I am only numb. Being strong is when I can take the feeling and face it but I’m not being strong. I don’t feel much right now. Did I lose it in this ocean?

Is this even an ocean? I thought I would be found by now. Am I not to be saved? I thought I would have been saved and everything would work out good. Why is that not happening?

Nothing happens like that. The world isn’t going to magically pop some answer out of thin air. I can’t depend on that. I have to depend on my self to get to the shore. I can’t rely on something else. I have to be strong. I have to face it and get there on my own.

Snap out of it! MOVE!

Oh! My foot moved. I’m moving. Can I do this?

Maybe if I keep moving, I’ll get somewhere. Look. I’m moving. I can’t cry though. I need to save the water. There is enough salt around me already.

Look at me, I’m moving.

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• Saltwater (beautifuleverydaythings.wordpress.com)
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