14: Floating Flying Feathers

Image by Marius Waldal via Flickr

Feathers are amazing are they not? Just thinking of how interesting and amazing they are makes me happy. The softness and fuzzy feeling of a feather makes me so very happy.

It’s silly to think about but I love feathers. I love the way they float in the sky and the feeling they create. It sort of feels like they are free and happy little objects. Yeah, I know it’s weird to think that feathers are “happy” but don’t they look like that to you?

Sometimes I wish I could be covered in soft feathers. I want the security feeling of softness and the ticklish itch it can create with a touch. I want to fly like birds do with their feathers and wings. Wings would be very cool but I don’t think I would be able to fly with just wings and they would get in the way. My bones are just too dense so they wouldn’t be useful.

But a girl can dream.

I wish I could fly like that feather and be taken away by the wind sometimes. I wish I could float happily in the sunset as a beautiful soft feather making other people happy.

Haven’t you seen a feather and just become happy? I have. It’s a wonderful feeling to feel elated just by watching a feather float around.

Feathers seem so gentle and fragile but they can be strong when they work together with other feathers. It’s quite amazing. It’s like people. We seem so vulnerable and weak but when we work together we can somehow do amazing things.

Yeah, sometimes being like a feather would be nice. I’d like to think that it would though. Sometimes not being in control and flowing with the wind seems like an easy way to live. Being something useful and beautiful, well appreciated, it seems nice to simply be a happy object floating in the wind taken away without a care in the world.

On the other hand I could never stand to be a feather. I’m just not that kind of person. I firmly believe that I make the decisions in my life. I feel with all my heart that I am the way I am because of my choice. I could never be ignorant and not have a care. I could never freely float around happily all my days making people happy with my presence. I am just not capable of doing something like that.

It is incompatible with my personality.

I’m not a feather but I do like to admire them. I am not so silly as to truly wish to be like a feather because I am glad to be who I am. So I’ll never be a feather.

I’ll never be a feather but I do very much love them and their innocent like grace.

9: Silence can be loud

Image by Don Vacomano via Flickr

Sometimes people talk a lot. And well, sometimes people don’t talk all that much. What might make more sense is that words express many things but sometimes words can’t tell you everything like actions can. Words can make you feel better than something like silence. Silence isn’t noticed all the time but it is an action. And while actions can’t tell everything, they are very important and can be very loud. Louder than words.

Hearing words that try to express feelings are good and necessary for people. We need to hear that our parents love us and we need to hear positive comments to keep us going. While we may say now that we are older, we don’t need certificates, ceremonies, birthday parties or just parties period, sometimes it is important. Hearing we are loved and hearing that we are cherished is important.

Words can’t tell people everything though. Everything can be misunderstood but words can be the most difficult way to communicate without problems occurring. People lie. It’s that simple. Or people misunderstand. It happens all the time. Those “words” are important and are useful but they aren’t everything. They can’t explain everything. They can’t show how you feel as easily as a hug or a kiss. Actions are what really show your love sometimes.

Taking care of someone is more than just talking to them. Sometimes the person you are taking care of doesn’t know of everything you do for them. You can’t show your love only through words. You can’t tell all of your feelings out loud. Things can’t be told alone, people need to be shown and realize through actions other than words.

When you suddenly become quiet and something is wrong, you don’t have to say it out loud for people to notice. You don’t have to say you are bothered or explain your feelings of worry or doubt, the person next to you can sometimes just feel it. Silence can be loud like that. It can tell the truth without saying anything. Silence also is important if you are a friend.

Friends who care will mention the sudden silence. They will smile trying to understand, trying to figure out and help their friend. They will mention that they know or are worried that something is wrong because they want to know if you want to talk about it and if you want their help. What makes a friend a great one is when they know you don’t want to talk about it and they let it go. They worry but they are silent about it.

That is amazing.

Those kind of actions speak so much louder than any words I could possibly come up with.

5: Three spoonfuls is better

I have prided myself in not really being addicted to any particular activity. I try to be flexible and not rely on anything because someday that thing might not be there. Maybe it runs out or you can’t afford it, sometimes it gets lost or you cant see it anymore. Whatever the situation may be, it is just a way to protect myself from getting hurt.

I am not very brave.

I fear just about everything but I do my very best to hide it and protect myself. I feel like it is a competition of will and I really don’t like to lose or show weakness. Sure, no one really does, but I feel like I am at a battle with fear and while it affects me, I won’t give in. I don’t want to give fear the satisfaction of seeing me affected by it. I won’t allow it.

Lately though I find it hard to go through a day without my tea.

I must have it. I want it very much and sometimes it’s needed more on harder days. I love my tea. I appreciate the smell and the taste and even the feeling of refreshment from either cold or warm tea. After I drink tea, I feel happy and relaxed. I need it.

My back is always tense and I am always stiff but once I have tea, I relax, I’m happy. Talking over tea is my favorite thing to do. Reading a book while listening to music while drinking tea is fun. I enjoy it to no extent. I want that. That peace is precious and special.

Sometimes I think tea is a blessing.

I might be addicted to it though. I love it so much. It makes me happy, so very happy.

What if I lose that? I don’t want to lose my happiness. Haha, I’m ridiculous for fearing something so silly.

It’s weird though.

It doesn’t feel silly to me. Sure its small, but I don’t want to lose it. It seems selfish to me but I am human and we are selfish creatures. I never want to get addicted to anything because I fear the loss of it, the loss of my happiness.

Honestly, if tea is gone from my life for whatever reasons I would be ok. I would be upset about it and sad but I would be ok. That is only because I am fearful of letting anything extremely close to my heart.

I’ve gotten better though. I have gotten closer to becoming braver and more open than before. I find that I am very happy now, more happy than I have felt when I was closed off from everyone.

Even now I drink my iced tea careful not to spill on my fancy computer. It’s funny because the spoon is always there from my habit of taking it. The taste is sweet and it is refreshing because no matter what I do this heat is hard to fight off in my AC-less house.

Even as I get another cup, I have to be careful of how much sugar I put in because my mom is hovering over my shoulder. She gets mad if I put more that 2 spoonfuls. Even though I really should ration how much I use, I want the sweet taste of the sugar in my wonderful tea.

I want to get more out of life than just 2 spoonfuls. I am a greedy human.

Three spoonfuls is better.

4: Mountains of Clothes

I have been feeling lazy as of late. I partially blame this new computer, it is so very awesome. I feel so tired of everything and have hidden in my room for the past few days. I have gathered a very nice large pile of clothes though on my bed and chair.

Here I lay on my bed, the half that I can lay on mind you, and I feel like I am surrounded by color and soft fabric. Every pattern is interesting, and I find myself studying intently the lines and weaving of color around each other, creating a beautiful pattern.

I feel the warmth of my clustered room, the safeness of the bright colors, the sentimental value I have for the art on the wall. Everything I have gathered over the years is in this room and I remember everything. Well most of everything but being surrounded by these memories makes me feel comforted.

Every look around my room feels like it turns into an adventure. My clothes morph into mountains to climb or mysteries of secret paintings come to mind with a glance to the walls. I can even dream of my bookshelf opening to a lab or training room of some sort or the door of my room having a switch to take me to other places simply by turning a dial.

The mind is an interesting thing.

Escaping boredom is easy with an overactive imagination but I still need to put these clothes up and well, perhaps clean the floor too.

Yeah, I’ll do that, right after I fight the monsters on my journey to the temple on top of the mountain of color. And who knows, maybe it’ll lead to a new adventure.

Better watch out though. Mom might get mad for my overextended adventures and ruin all my fun.

Yeah better get started on that.

1: Changing

We are all changing. Its like when our hair grows out. You never really notice how long it’s getting untill you look a photo months ago or when you see someone after a long time. Those little changes seem like nothing at the moment of their existence but later on you realize that you’re a different person. Completely covered by that new and changing form you just recently just brushed on.

It’s the layers you gather over the years, or the leaves you grow over time like a plant. How much is covering us right now? Where is the 5-year-old we were years ago? I can’t ever remember that well anymore. Memories have faded and the world is changing slowly. So slowly that we don’t even notice.

How can we?

We are so focused. So intent of do things in a certain way at a certain time that we can’t seem to look around all the time and notice the changes. With our blinders on we can hardly see when to turn and like a horse on a race track we are simply told to run and keep running by someone above us that we can’t even physically see. Just like that horse we feel the presence of that force driving us to keep doing what we must.

Change is constant in life. We are growing and dying at the same time. How odd. We grow mentally and even physically but at the same time we are expiring. Dying slowly. Our cells falling from our skin our organs getting older. We are forever aging and yet . . .  growing.

High School is over for me as well as for all my classmates. We are all moving on. Growing up, moving away. I will leave soon too. And another change will occur for me.

It seems that we only notice the changes when a large one happens. Moving or graduating or going to college. Whatever the event, we never notice the changes untill we look in a mirror one day or pack our material items we collected over the years.

I am changing and I can see it. My hair is different and I will be starting a new life soon. Soon I’ll be very different. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be different.

Maybe I’ll know when my hair gets longer. I think it already has grown so much since I got it cut.

Maybe it grew since I last checked.

Maybe you grew too.