30: Reaching out is hard

I have a hard time starting to talk to people. I am what you would call a little anti-social. It’s an actual problem for people, those of whom are good with speaking to others. Some people just don’t like to talk to people they don’t know at first.

I have a mild case of the problem. I can’t exactly say that I’m completely anti-social because I do talk to others if put in that situation and while I am awkward, people find me pleasant to talk to. I just can’t start a conversation well.

Other people find it easier to take a first step and be friendly. I myself, am not this kind of person. For me reaching out is hard. That might make what my next step in life a little hard for me.

I’m going off to college and it’s in another state with no one I know anywhere nearby. I will be utterly alone with no one I know from before.

You can see how that can be a little daunting for me.

With this problem I find I can’t exactly escape the fear that it will be hard for me there but I also feel so reassured that this was the best choice for me.

Going out of my comfort zone a little at a time has always been my plan and this is just another step.

If I break it down I can reach out a little at a time and make a new friend each time then I should be fine.

In a months time I will be in a place alone with no old friend to help me through my new life.

It’s going to be great.

25: What you find hanging on a lamp

Image via Wikipedia

My memories are all through out my room and the list of where I got all my little trinkets could go on and on. They are small things but it seems together I’ve got quite the collection of stuff. Wouldn’t it be easier to fit them all in memory cards? There are too many memories to carry around. Even a small area contains to much memory to carry to a new place.

Today I picked to focus on a single area. I hang stuff on the switch of my lamp. It’s actually the only source of light in my room when it’s not daylight. I have to walk across my room to turn it on but it’s extremely bright because it doesn’t have a lamp shade. It’s funny because I’ve never gotten one. I always talked about getting one but I never have. I’m going to be leaving this special room soon and I guess I’ll never have the chance to get that lampshade.

I kind of like it that way though. It’s odd that I like my lamp not to have a lamp shade. I guess it’s just apart of my room.

There are quite a few objects hanging on that switch to this particular lamp. Actually there are so many now its harder to turn the darn thing on and off.

I guess I’ll start with the latest things I’ve added. Something you’ll find is my graduating tassel. For some reason, no matter how obtuse or nonchalant I am about graduating I feel nostalgic and attachment to that time. I also have a necklace with a class ring attached on this switch as well. I know that I have only graduated recently but it feels odd to think I’m not going back to a public school kind of life.

I’m glad too because the system sucks here in Texas especially. What are our representatives thinking? But to other things.

My friend, whom I’ve known since elementary school was hit by a car about a week before graduation and broke a bone in her neck. That was very sad for me because while I haven’t talked to her in so long (due to boyfriend and job and not having any of the same classes ect. ect.) I still feel close to her. She has the worst kind of luck. She still went to graduation though. It’s hard for her but she’s tough, and is loved.

When I visited her I got to see two of my old friends and we all enjoyed an odd yet amusing and happy day at the hospital. It’s weird but we had so much fun that day. We spent so much time at the hospital, most people would have left but we had fun and cheered up a good friend. My old friend gave us a gift for graduation and it was a cute beaded necklace. That necklace is hanging on the light switch as well.

Next is the name tag for the VASE art contest. This past year I participated in an art contest and I got to see so much amazing work. We had fun and ate yummy food and made art! It was so much fun.

Next to that is the ID card to my three-day trip in San Antonio for my first ever ANIME CONVENTION! I went with a large group and we stayed in the hotel. It was quite the experience and I wont forget how awesome and weird and so much FUN it was!

I have two cupcake rings that I’ve gotten in the past. One was from a friend’s birthday party that we had at Barton Springs that was so fun and the other was from a UIL Academic school thing I participated in. It was one of the student’s birthday so we had cupcakes. I’ll never forget that trip, probably ever. That’s all I’m going to say on that.

For Christmas, my secret santa in my Orchestra class was India my beloved stand partner! She gave me wonderful handmade cookies and chocolate! Plus a cute drawing (that I have on my photo colage) and a cute little plush turtle that attached to a pencil. It’s hooked on another Orchestra memory.

It’s dice that has glow in the dark stars! You know, the kind that you hang in your car? I don’t have a car but it hangs on my lamp. I got it at Blazer Tag. That was the first time I ever did that laser gun thing and I sucked at it. But it was fun. I got a ride home with some of them because it was raining and I didn’t have my umbrella. Nice friends.

All these memories are on a lamp.

How crazy that a little switch can hold so many memories. So much can be held in so little space and mementos are so simple and meaningful. How can I bring all of them to my new home?

I guess those memories are in me and I don’t need objects to hold them.

But every time I see them hanging on my lamp switch, every time I turn of the light when I go to bed, I see those objects and remember.

20: Floating Along Searching Part 4

I drew this and it shows what this post is about

This island is really nice. I actually quite enjoy it. I found a very welcome rhythm to this life. I’ve still been keeping track of the days though. I feel like I don’t know anything though.

I still don’t know exactly where I am at the moment. Why is such a place existing anyway? Why do I have to be here and what is the purpose? I guess that’s why I’m here though. I can see that it’s going to be a hard journey but I won’t stop. I will figure something out. I have so far. I must have faith.

Today was especially difficult. I have fallen behind on schedule. I made a goal for myself. Isn’t that precious? I feel like a child planning their future in college while in elementary school. I am excited about leaving the island.

That’s what I plan to do. I will leave the island and search for my own place. I will figure out the meaning of this journey though. I keep thinking about it since I have so much free time.

I haven’t gotten very far with the whole message of this thing just yet but I feel like I’m on the verge of figuring it out. It’s like I’m grasping at something between the seat of a car, searching for something a little out of reach under a bed. I can see it but can’t touch it. It feels so close like this moon. I feel like it’s a goal and I can almost reach it. Will I be able too?

I have made a couple of test rafts to see if I can actually do this. To be honest I failed miserably at first. survival stuff is really hard for someone like me but I guess the hardest thing is being alone.

People shouldn’t be alone. It’s bad for them. I wish I had anyone here so that we could work together. Honestly anyone would work. I just need someone other that the bugs to keep me company. People need people and let’s get this straight, I know I am a person. Being alone sucks.

It certainly feels lonely working all by myself. A big part of me hates that but some small bit is happy for the fact that I can take care of myself. A person has to go through that in their life though right? There must be a period where we are alone and to get through it proves you’re worth and that you deserve to be where you are.

I earned this island, and while its unfair, I feel glad that I got to this point.

I am capable and confident on this island. I feel safe here. That’s hard to believe but its true. I can handle it.

This is the point where I prove myself and work hard.

Time to start another day.

19: Floating Along Searching Part 3

Image by Frank217 via Flickr

When I thought I was safe, someone should have slapped me in the face for thinking something so stupid. If there was such a person then that would be fine because then at least there would have been someone to discuss stuff with. Some one to suffer with.

This is an island I found. It’s safer than the ocean that’s for sure. I woke up on the beach of an uninhabited island. Great. But I have to be positive. This island is better than nothing. My legs are shaky. I can’t stand very well right now and I am so thirsty.

I look up and hope for water on this stupid island. There has to be some kind of thing to drink here. I have to survive.

I learned something new. I got what I wanted, it rained. Yeah I got water but now I’m really cold and wet. I learned how to make a shelter. Good for me. Did I mention this really sucks. At least I’ve got water now. I somehow figured out how to save it. Don’t ask.

Things are hard here just like in the ocean. What is with this world making it so hard for me? At least it’s better. I need to explore when I’m more settled. How weird I’m actually settling here. Stupid.

I have looked around a lot and have a rhythm again. It just sucks a lot less now. Things are hard. My feet hurt and I keep learning new tricks. At least I can do things now. I’m quite impressive am I not?

What was I thinking? I’m still stuck here. Why is that impressive? I should at least know everything about this place I’m stuck on. I am going adventuring. Good thing I have my skills now.

What skills was that again? I fell too many times. It’s really hard but this island is not too large. It has quite a good amount of vegetation though. I’m not hungry.

I have selected the best place to stay in now. I’ve started keeping track of the days on this tree. Too many days have passed. Things are hard still. Will they ever be easy again?

I want to be found. I want to be saved. Why can’t I be helped? Don’t I deserve it? I work hard and its difficult but I deserve to be at ease right? I’ve been on this island for a while now. Don’t I deserve something better than having to go through all this trouble?

What am I saying? What have I done to deserve anything? People don’t get things easy like, they earn them. I earned this island and I will earn something better. I won’t be a princess in a tower I haven’t acted like one yet. I won’t lie, I wished it was that easy.

This is the same as the ocean. I will find something better. I will work for something better.

Time to start on that.

18: Floating Along Searching Part 2

Image via Wikipedia

I’m floating around still. I am still lost. Where is the land at! I feel like I have been floating around her forever now. How long has it been? Time started when I actually moved but now it seems I count the days by meals. I count the days by waves now. Somehow I’ve started counting the days in other ways than the actual movement of the sun. When I think about it I realize that the ocean actually makes up most of this speck of a planet. I should come across land soon though right? RIGHT!

I’ve gathered stuff on the way. It’s not much but I can’t just float on a board right? There are a lot of plant stuff around so I bound some more wood to my plank. I can get out of the water now but sometimes its cold. Sometimes I’m scared. I’m hungry and have no mass to me now. I need things but I can’t find them here. I have to keep moving.

I feel dead but I can’t give up. I am numb but I won’t stop. Why am I still moving again? Sometimes I forget. There is no one here to remind me. I’m not crazy yet but this situation would make anyone crazy. Or am I crazy? I forget. Things just are not easy here. Why is it so hard? I’m going though and learning on the way.

I’ve got quite the raft going now. It’s very impressive and that little raft gave me some hope and enthusiasm when I first put it together. I even figured out how to not die yet. Yes I’m very impressive right now. Or at least that’s what I though. I’m still hungry and I can’t quite figure out how to not be cold. There is nothing here anymore. I have to find something quick.

I don’t know which direction to go in though. I don’t know anything. What made me think I was awesome before? What made me think I was special? I am obviously not for being in this situation. I have to keep going though. Why, I can’t remember anymore.

Do you think it would be easier to drown? Maybe giving up would be easier. At least I wont be in pain anymore. But isn’t that kinda cowardly? I don’t know. Maybe I should keep going for a while longer. If it gets that bad maybe I’ll think of giving up again. I have to hope for a while longer. I have to keep going. Right?

This is stupid. There is no hope there is no chance. I have no reason anymore. I should just leave this stupid raft I put together on my own. I say that yet I don’t want to leave. It feels like the only think I’ve ever known.

What is that? Is it a blob? I can’t tell. I can’t see. Is it something? Can I dare to hope? This happened too many time already but is it something?

Look! There’s a beach! It really is one! I can’t believe it! There is someplace to get off at! Maybe I’ll be safe now. Maybe I’ll be ok! I just have to get there. I can do it! I can see it. I can do it. I’ve lasted this long I can make it.

I think I’ll just crash on this nice beach and just close my eyes for just one second. For just a little while I don’t have to worry about drowning. Maybe, someone will find me. Maybe I am finally free of the ocean.

Related articles

• 17: Floating Along Searching Part 1 (1behindthemask.wordpress.com)
• Toss Your Expectations Into the Ocean (zenhabits.net)