19: Floating Along Searching Part 3

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When I thought I was safe, someone should have slapped me in the face for thinking something so stupid. If there was such a person then that would be fine because then at least there would have been someone to discuss stuff with. Some one to suffer with.

This is an island I found. It’s safer than the ocean that’s for sure. I woke up on the beach of an uninhabited island. Great. But I have to be positive. This island is better than nothing. My legs are shaky. I can’t stand very well right now and I am so thirsty.

I look up and hope for water on this stupid island. There has to be some kind of thing to drink here. I have to survive.

I learned something new. I got what I wanted, it rained. Yeah I got water but now I’m really cold and wet. I learned how to make a shelter. Good for me. Did I mention this really sucks. At least I’ve got water now. I somehow figured out how to save it. Don’t ask.

Things are hard here just like in the ocean. What is with this world making it so hard for me? At least it’s better. I need to explore when I’m more settled. How weird I’m actually settling here. Stupid.

I have looked around a lot and have a rhythm again. It just sucks a lot less now. Things are hard. My feet hurt and I keep learning new tricks. At least I can do things now. I’m quite impressive am I not?

What was I thinking? I’m still stuck here. Why is that impressive? I should at least know everything about this place I’m stuck on. I am going adventuring. Good thing I have my skills now.

What skills was that again? I fell too many times. It’s really hard but this island is not too large. It has quite a good amount of vegetation though. I’m not hungry.

I have selected the best place to stay in now. I’ve started keeping track of the days on this tree. Too many days have passed. Things are hard still. Will they ever be easy again?

I want to be found. I want to be saved. Why can’t I be helped? Don’t I deserve it? I work hard and its difficult but I deserve to be at ease right? I’ve been on this island for a while now. Don’t I deserve something better than having to go through all this trouble?

What am I saying? What have I done to deserve anything? People don’t get things easy like, they earn them. I earned this island and I will earn something better. I won’t be a princess in a tower I haven’t acted like one yet. I won’t lie, I wished it was that easy.

This is the same as the ocean. I will find something better. I will work for something better.

Time to start on that.

16: High School Never really ends, You’re right

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People always say that high school is special and you will never find a time like it. It’s a special time that you’ll never forget and there so many who wish to go back. People write so many books, movies, stories, just there is so much of high school being depicted everywhere. Is it really any less special than the rest of your life?

I wouldn’t have chosen this to write about today, I really didn’t know what to write and then Bowling for Soup came on playing “High School Never Ends“. I couldn’t help but laugh at the lyrics. It’s a really fun song to listen to and it’s true.

I don’t really get what’s so special about high school. Don’t get me wrong, I had so much fun and I wouldn’t take any of it back and maybe even later I’ll want to go back to that time to re-live it and all but I want to do that to any time period. I want to be 5 again some days and do dumb stuff at playgrounds. I want to read books from when I was 12 some days. Sometimes I even want to be younger just so I don’t have to pay full price on the bus. It’s silly to put so much stock in being in high school though. Why is our media and such centered on high school? What is so great being a teenager than any other year?

The song is actually about how people act though in high school. I too assumed that all the jerks in the world would grow up out of high school and that there would be less dummies out there but, sigh, it is not true. Don’t get me wrong, I figured out a long time ago it seems that the world is full of people caring about silly things and being useless and incapable of talking about anything important.

Have you ever had a conversation about nothing with some one for too long? It’s weird how you can talk forever about media and fads. None of those things really matter so how can people talk only about those particular things? I too talk about fads and such but I like to have intellectually interesting conversations every once in a while. I’ve come home from school and whined to my parents on how nobody ever talks about anything EVER.

Ok, that’s not true but the vast amount of people who do make this world a little depressing. People are just like that. I wish I could be young enough to believe that people would stop being dumb at a certain point of adulthood but even then I would be ignorant to the truth.

People are just disappointing sometimes. Isn’t it weird?

I agree with Bowling for Soup, high school never ends, not really. It’s honestly the same. School is replaced with job and people are still people just with different names.

I don’t know how I still have hope in the world when I look at it like this. But for some reason I can’t help but feel like I always have a choice and it’s not completely hopeless.

I guess what fustraights me is that people don’t choose to be different.

6: Feelings with Undiscovered Reasons

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What is this random sadness? There is no reason for me to be sad randomly like that. I was having fun, surrounded by people I liked and enjoying myself just fine. So why the sadness?

What is with these random feelings that come out of no where? I can feel my smile deflating and my happiness disappear. Where did it go and what caused it?

I feel terrified of this. I don’t understand and I have no explanation for what happens to me. I don’t like being unable to explain something pertaining to myself, especially my feelings. Why was I sad! Why did I get upset? What is the matter with me?

Was it subconscious? Was it something that happened around me? Was I sad for someone else or myself? I can’t even figure that part out.

How very. . . . . . . . . disturbing.

I am disturbed by this. Why did it happen? I would really like to understand.

Whatever the reason may be (for I have no inkling on an idea) there is nothing I can do about it. After a few minuets the upset feeling for not understanding faded and I turned to a mode of rational processing.

There is nothing to do about this problem. It was small and while it caused a storm inside me, it hadn’t truly affected me in any other way. There is no reason to get upset over such a silly thing. There is no reason to worry about something that you can’t change.

What happened has happened. The feelings you felt once upon a time could very well change, that is what made it the past. You feel sad or happy or angry, sure at the time, but if you carry it over, what is the point of that? Those are simply false feelings now. People shouldn’t worry about such silly things. Everything is an experience and soon enough those mysteries will be figured out.

Sometimes those mysteries have terrifying conclusions.

Maybe not knowing now is important. I’ll figure it out when I’m ready.

I think I’ll be happy today. Yeah, happy would be nice.

2: This feeling of Limbo

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What should I do? Nothing right? Why am I upset like this or in reality why am I not more upset? Isn’t this upsetting? Life is complicated and thus we feel crushed by its power to change.

So many people around me, ok thats a lie, my very close very best friends including myself are having problems and we all feel hopeless or incapable of doing anything. We are frozen in a terrible spot stuck on the desisions of the other party. How sad, the feeling of not having any control.

Its a terrifying feeling in the gut of my stomach. The inability to have a choice because you can’t make the other person decide. It’s their choice, all we can do is sit and wait.

Waiting can be sufficating. So painfull. Like we’re drowning. But not.

Eh I’m just being an angsty drama queen. I in fact have a different sort of problem than my friends but as I said it can be terrifing. The lack of control is awful. Just imagining their feelings is what brought me to this. I guess I’m sort of dedicating this post to them.

My heart clenches with the feelings of being left behind. The doubt and the pain of waiting, It’s like watching someone swinging on the edge of a branch mere seconds away from falling to their doom yet the suspence is almost as painful as said doom. The feeling is sufficating. Waiting. Waiting. It’s not like there is something that I can do or they can do. We are just waiting because we can’t do anything.

I am better off right now because I have accepted that I can’t do anything so while I am upset I can’t worry too much about it. There is hardly anything to do so I should let it go.

Let it go.

It will work itself out. Certainly.

Yeah well, say that to my gut. I’d like to breathe again.