Late night blogs are always the best and most dramatic and angsty. I don’t know what it is about the dark that reveals so much in your heart. Whatever it is, I tend to write really well when I can’t get an idea out of my head. Here it is that’s kept me up.
It’s a weird feeling. Like when you lie down for too long and when you get up, you’re vision goes black and you head turns light. You feel as if you weigh so much that you are about to fall over. That feeling of falling over without much of an ability of being able to stop it, that is similar to this feeling. My heart feels heavy and I feel like there is something inexplicably wrong with me. I didn’t realize this feeling for a while though.
I didn’t realize how much it hurt and what it meant. I didn’t know what it was. Now I do. It was me realizing that what I thought I had turn out to really be nothing. My head had processed it in the back of my mind and I, like an idiot, finally realized it. I was searching so hard for a label for what I thought I had.
I tried on many, donning them like outfits, articles of clothing or jewelry that could easily be removed, but I realized that they just covered up what it really was. It was makeup. It is a mask that I had created for myself yet again but this time instead of tricking others to hide what I wanted I tricked myself.
I tricked myself, what an awful feeling. I hid something from myself, it was shrouded in darkness and now it feels like that mask was ripped off like duck tape over a mouth. I can hear it screaming at me. I feel betrayed but it was my own fault for creating something I thought was real while in fact it was something so small.
That doesn’t make it insignificant or any less important but like a childish ignorant girl, I took that and blew it out of proportion in my mind. How could I be so cruel to myself? I hurt myself and I am dealing with it.
There is no label for what I had because it was Nothing. I thought it could be something but I distorted it so much. I can’t blame it because it was always Nothing. Absolutely and completely Nothing. Nothing is happening and Nothing happened. I misunderstood and kept running with it. What an idiot I am. How stupid was I that I actually . . . . . . .
This is the part where I sigh and cheer myself up. I need to become hopeful because that is all I have going for me. I see the world and am cynical but I must be hopeful. I can’t spiral out of control.
I am strong.
I realized it and will learn. I won’t stop hoping but I also won’t fall for my own allusions no matter how convincing they are.
For now the label for what I have is Nothing but it has potential. Maybe now isn’t the best time seeing what’s ahead, but it still is possible.
Anything is possible.
I won’t miss label things. I won’t be upset anymore because I understand what I have.
Nothing is actually a seed in my hand. It is nothing at the moment, it can’t give shade and it’s not helpful, it doesn’t give me fruit nor is particularly useful but it has potential. It can grow and it could become something amazing.
I have to believe and hope. Hope is the very best thing to have when you have Nothing.
When you have Nothing beneath you all you have to do is simply look up and there is still potential right above you.