7: Looking up from Nothing

Late night blogs are always the best and most dramatic and angsty. I don’t know what it is about the dark that reveals so much in your heart. Whatever it is, I tend to write really well when I can’t get an idea out of my head. Here it is that’s kept me up.

It’s a weird feeling. Like when you lie down for too long and when you get up, you’re vision goes black and you head turns light. You feel as if you weigh so much that you are about to fall over. That feeling of falling over without much of an ability of being able to stop it, that is similar to this feeling. My heart feels heavy and I feel like there is something inexplicably wrong with me. I didn’t realize this feeling for a while though.

I didn’t realize how much it hurt and what it meant. I didn’t know what it was. Now I do. It was me realizing that what I thought I had turn out to really be nothing. My head had processed it in the back of my mind and I, like an idiot, finally realized it. I was searching so hard for a label for what I thought I had.

I tried on many, donning them like outfits, articles of clothing or jewelry that could easily be removed, but I realized that they just covered up what it really was. It was makeup. It is a mask that I had created for myself yet again but this time instead of tricking others to hide what I wanted I tricked myself.

I tricked myself, what an awful feeling. I hid something from myself, it was shrouded in darkness and now it feels like that mask was ripped off like duck tape over a mouth. I can hear it screaming at me. I feel betrayed but it was my own fault for creating something I thought was real while in fact it was something so small.

That doesn’t make it insignificant or any less important but like a childish ignorant girl, I took that and blew it out of proportion in my mind. How could I be so cruel to myself? I hurt myself and I am dealing with it.

There is no label for what I had because it was Nothing. I thought it could be something but I distorted it so much. I can’t blame it because it was always Nothing. Absolutely and completely Nothing. Nothing is happening and Nothing happened. I misunderstood and kept running with it. What an idiot I am. How stupid was I that I actually . . . . . . .

This is the part where I sigh and cheer myself up. I need to become hopeful because that is all I have going for me. I see the world and am cynical but I must be hopeful. I can’t spiral out of control.

I am strong.

I realized it and will learn. I won’t stop hoping but I also won’t fall for my own allusions no matter how convincing they are.
For now the label for what I have is Nothing but it has potential. Maybe now isn’t the best time seeing what’s ahead, but it still is possible.

Anything is possible.

I won’t miss label things. I won’t be upset anymore because I understand what I have.

Nothing is actually a seed in my hand. It is nothing at the moment, it can’t give shade and it’s not helpful, it doesn’t give me fruit nor is particularly useful but it has potential. It can grow and it could become something amazing.

I have to believe and hope. Hope is the very best thing to have when you have Nothing.

When you have Nothing beneath you all you have to do is simply look up and there is still potential right above you.

1: Changing

We are all changing. Its like when our hair grows out. You never really notice how long it’s getting untill you look a photo months ago or when you see someone after a long time. Those little changes seem like nothing at the moment of their existence but later on you realize that you’re a different person. Completely covered by that new and changing form you just recently just brushed on.

It’s the layers you gather over the years, or the leaves you grow over time like a plant. How much is covering us right now? Where is the 5-year-old we were years ago? I can’t ever remember that well anymore. Memories have faded and the world is changing slowly. So slowly that we don’t even notice.

How can we?

We are so focused. So intent of do things in a certain way at a certain time that we can’t seem to look around all the time and notice the changes. With our blinders on we can hardly see when to turn and like a horse on a race track we are simply told to run and keep running by someone above us that we can’t even physically see. Just like that horse we feel the presence of that force driving us to keep doing what we must.

Change is constant in life. We are growing and dying at the same time. How odd. We grow mentally and even physically but at the same time we are expiring. Dying slowly. Our cells falling from our skin our organs getting older. We are forever aging and yet . . .  growing.

High School is over for me as well as for all my classmates. We are all moving on. Growing up, moving away. I will leave soon too. And another change will occur for me.

It seems that we only notice the changes when a large one happens. Moving or graduating or going to college. Whatever the event, we never notice the changes untill we look in a mirror one day or pack our material items we collected over the years.

I am changing and I can see it. My hair is different and I will be starting a new life soon. Soon I’ll be very different. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be different.

Maybe I’ll know when my hair gets longer. I think it already has grown so much since I got it cut.

Maybe it grew since I last checked.

Maybe you grew too.

I am a medium in more ways than my T-shirt size.

Yes I wear a medium (usually). But I am also a fence sitter. Which makes me a medium in another way. I also like a medium hot sauce too.(And y’all should shut up about not being able to handle the heat! Just because I am from Texas and we have Tex-mex doesnt mean I have to kill my taste buds with the overpowering hot sauce!) So, it goes to show you, I like it medium.

Medium is okay. I find that I can be medium in many things. Not bland in looks,(I am not that pretty nor ugly) Not too smart or too dumb, just in between. I find that I either like something or understand something but I never hate it and never obsessively love it. That’s just how I am.

I like it medium. I guess it’s anoying to never really chose a side, but I guess I am chosing a side. Not too bland nor too hot. It’s a safe place for me. I guess some people like to be dangerous and some like to be extra safe but I find that I like to be in the middle most of the time. That’s not a bad thing.

I like medium a lot. Most of the things that work best in the world works because its medium. It’s not too left or too right. Its medium. And I like that. That is how we function in the world best. Medium people do things less out there, but they are the ones that keep the world working together. We need them to bridge the gap between those who feel extra intense about things and love to be loud and those who like it quiet and extra mellow.

I love medium. Not to say that we don’t need those other people! Oh life would be boring without mild and hot people! But…..

I am medium. It make’s sense to me. Why be one-sided? Why be two dimensional when you can be three! Why take the extreme of one side or the other. I guess it makes me selfish, not wanting to choose a side but that’s how I am.

Oh yes, I am medium and I am happy here.

I am a happy medium.

When ever I am not a happy medium, when I feel like being hot or mild I just remember this.

Mild tastes to bland to me. And mild people don’t look like they enjoy it as much. And hot people can’t enjoy the taste of anything else.

So go ahead people, when you get burned or when you don’t taste I will just look at you and laugh because I will look down and realize something.

I’m medium!

Blood: Water mission

Wow. Guys have you ever thought about all of these issues and you wished you could do something about it. I know it sounds corny and silly but I feel really good just doing a little bit.

Its funny but I looked at these extras I put on my blog and it said support a charity FOR FREE! I couldn’t believe it! all you have to do is click the little picture, answer a question and you help out! FOR FREE! 8U Why is this an option? You should just do it!

 If it wasn’t free then I wouldn’t keep it up there. I just spent 30 min just trying to make sure it was easy and good for anyone who reads my little blog and I got like 66 days or something of water for people! If you have a little bit of time, please click my little picture on the bottom left and give a little back. I doesn’t have to be the charity I picked, you can pick your own:)

It really feels good and I want to see those numbers climb! :)

I don’t know what I’ll do if we hit a certain point like 10000 or something (that would be amazing!) but ill figure out something to show my appreciation!

The whispers in the night

Thoughts run through all minds, or at least all the minds that are working as they should. I find that my thoughts run faster when I am alone and its dark. These thoughts reveal who we are and show our true nature. And this leads me to fear that my thoughts if voiced uncensored would impede and trample the feelings of others. So I find that I end up wearing a mask that hides these raw thoughts.

This mask is strong because over the years it has hidden my insecurities, bonded and sealed my thoughts and only let through the sifted and safe ones to voice out loud in the daytime. Some would say this is overly sensitive and leads to messed up emotions due to bottling them up, but at night I can unbottle these emotions. I let go these unheard thoughts, these unspoken thoughts and whisper them safely into the night.

The night to some, is frightening and unsafe, but to me its a haven, a place of safety from the light that would expose my face so easily readable for all to see. These emotions I try to hide revealed for all to see. You see, people go out at night, sleep at night while I am safe and secure in the darkness of my room at midnight.  When I feel safe I lift my head and whisper the thoughts that reveal the truth I feel. At night I take of my mask. The strong mask that everyone sees. I reveal and allow myself to feel what I truly feel. Because I am safe.

I can hide in the night and not be seen or heard. The darkness of the night and the safety of my room hides my revealed self. In the dark, I now discard my veil and show myself but in the same moment show it to no one. Or at least that’s what I did before.

But now I find a computer screen in front of me, lighting up my face. Revealing the one behind the mask and displaying it for all to see. These black letters are just as dark as my room hiding the truth in me but are lit up by the computer screen. I am revealed for all who wish to see. And its scary. These thoughts were only for myself and if no one reads them it fine with me. The thought of others reading my thoughts scares me because reading one’s thoughts is more than that. You are reading me.

This is me. These incoherent babbling thoughts on life and all the creatures in it like myself reveal who I am. The essence of me. Everything you read hides a little of that person who wrote it inside. For you are seeing something that most people never reveal to strangers. I believe this is my soul. These letters typed into cyberspace for all to see is documenting and preserving who I am at this second in my life.

While I doubt that anyone would find the ramblings of a young girl interesting, I hope that this young girl will be entertaining and memorable enough for you to accept.

We all just want to be accepted.