12: Perfection should never exist

Image by Graela via Flickr

Isn’t perfect scary? Who would want to be perfect? I don’t understand that need. It would be predictable and annoying not to mention just plain boring. It’s also impossible and rightfully so.

People strive to be perfect and that is just silly to me. Why would you want to strive for something that is not reachable? What is perfect anyway? Who came up with such a silly word? Some think of it to be without any faults or defects but isn’t that impossible? You can tell that its been debated because they add to it stuff like “satisfying all requirements” or “as close as possible” is sort of like qualifying it. Perfect used in the term of “Ideal” is an acceptable use of the word but some people really believe that someone is perfect or should strive for it. What a silly view.

Perfect is boring. Sometimes the gems with the blemishes and imperfections are the most beautiful and interesting. The “Ideal” person doesn’t make it the best or the most wonderful one. Who would want to be perfect anyway? Isn’t that hard to keep up?

Perfect means you are at the limit, the end of your existence and can’t and wouldn’t be able to advance any further. How depressing. Who wants to reach a limit? Who wants to be just perfect? Who wants to be “Ideal” or “Satisfying”? Nobody should want that.

We should want to be better. Become our best and work to be better. If we got to a point of “Perfection” wouldn’t that be depressing? Our life would hold no other meaning anymore. If someone could even grasp perfection then what else would they have to do anymore? They would have no meaning anymore.

This is how I feel though. Maybe I’m wrong or whatever but I find perfect to be annoying and terrifying as well as impossible.

I should hope that perfection never exists, ever. It would be a bad day, depressing and the world would lose all meaning. I want to always strive to be better.

I want to work and work and sweat and fight and tire and try again the next day. I want a battle and I want to be better. I am selfish and greedy, I want more and I want to be smarter and I want to be more understanding. I want so much. I want everything.

Perfect would get in the way. There is no perfect. There is no “Ideal”. There is only better.

I want to work and be better. I want to keep living to be better. I want the best and then I want something better than that.

I am greedy but I want to work to get there. It can get better.

Perfect will never exist for us humans.

Perfect is stupid, I look for something higher up than that.

Don’t you want to look higher too?

7: Looking up from Nothing

Late night blogs are always the best and most dramatic and angsty. I don’t know what it is about the dark that reveals so much in your heart. Whatever it is, I tend to write really well when I can’t get an idea out of my head. Here it is that’s kept me up.

It’s a weird feeling. Like when you lie down for too long and when you get up, you’re vision goes black and you head turns light. You feel as if you weigh so much that you are about to fall over. That feeling of falling over without much of an ability of being able to stop it, that is similar to this feeling. My heart feels heavy and I feel like there is something inexplicably wrong with me. I didn’t realize this feeling for a while though.

I didn’t realize how much it hurt and what it meant. I didn’t know what it was. Now I do. It was me realizing that what I thought I had turn out to really be nothing. My head had processed it in the back of my mind and I, like an idiot, finally realized it. I was searching so hard for a label for what I thought I had.

I tried on many, donning them like outfits, articles of clothing or jewelry that could easily be removed, but I realized that they just covered up what it really was. It was makeup. It is a mask that I had created for myself yet again but this time instead of tricking others to hide what I wanted I tricked myself.

I tricked myself, what an awful feeling. I hid something from myself, it was shrouded in darkness and now it feels like that mask was ripped off like duck tape over a mouth. I can hear it screaming at me. I feel betrayed but it was my own fault for creating something I thought was real while in fact it was something so small.

That doesn’t make it insignificant or any less important but like a childish ignorant girl, I took that and blew it out of proportion in my mind. How could I be so cruel to myself? I hurt myself and I am dealing with it.

There is no label for what I had because it was Nothing. I thought it could be something but I distorted it so much. I can’t blame it because it was always Nothing. Absolutely and completely Nothing. Nothing is happening and Nothing happened. I misunderstood and kept running with it. What an idiot I am. How stupid was I that I actually . . . . . . .

This is the part where I sigh and cheer myself up. I need to become hopeful because that is all I have going for me. I see the world and am cynical but I must be hopeful. I can’t spiral out of control.

I am strong.

I realized it and will learn. I won’t stop hoping but I also won’t fall for my own allusions no matter how convincing they are.
For now the label for what I have is Nothing but it has potential. Maybe now isn’t the best time seeing what’s ahead, but it still is possible.

Anything is possible.

I won’t miss label things. I won’t be upset anymore because I understand what I have.

Nothing is actually a seed in my hand. It is nothing at the moment, it can’t give shade and it’s not helpful, it doesn’t give me fruit nor is particularly useful but it has potential. It can grow and it could become something amazing.

I have to believe and hope. Hope is the very best thing to have when you have Nothing.

When you have Nothing beneath you all you have to do is simply look up and there is still potential right above you.

6: Feelings with Undiscovered Reasons

Image via Wikipedia

What is this random sadness? There is no reason for me to be sad randomly like that. I was having fun, surrounded by people I liked and enjoying myself just fine. So why the sadness?

What is with these random feelings that come out of no where? I can feel my smile deflating and my happiness disappear. Where did it go and what caused it?

I feel terrified of this. I don’t understand and I have no explanation for what happens to me. I don’t like being unable to explain something pertaining to myself, especially my feelings. Why was I sad! Why did I get upset? What is the matter with me?

Was it subconscious? Was it something that happened around me? Was I sad for someone else or myself? I can’t even figure that part out.

How very. . . . . . . . . disturbing.

I am disturbed by this. Why did it happen? I would really like to understand.

Whatever the reason may be (for I have no inkling on an idea) there is nothing I can do about it. After a few minuets the upset feeling for not understanding faded and I turned to a mode of rational processing.

There is nothing to do about this problem. It was small and while it caused a storm inside me, it hadn’t truly affected me in any other way. There is no reason to get upset over such a silly thing. There is no reason to worry about something that you can’t change.

What happened has happened. The feelings you felt once upon a time could very well change, that is what made it the past. You feel sad or happy or angry, sure at the time, but if you carry it over, what is the point of that? Those are simply false feelings now. People shouldn’t worry about such silly things. Everything is an experience and soon enough those mysteries will be figured out.

Sometimes those mysteries have terrifying conclusions.

Maybe not knowing now is important. I’ll figure it out when I’m ready.

I think I’ll be happy today. Yeah, happy would be nice.

1: Changing

We are all changing. Its like when our hair grows out. You never really notice how long it’s getting untill you look a photo months ago or when you see someone after a long time. Those little changes seem like nothing at the moment of their existence but later on you realize that you’re a different person. Completely covered by that new and changing form you just recently just brushed on.

It’s the layers you gather over the years, or the leaves you grow over time like a plant. How much is covering us right now? Where is the 5-year-old we were years ago? I can’t ever remember that well anymore. Memories have faded and the world is changing slowly. So slowly that we don’t even notice.

How can we?

We are so focused. So intent of do things in a certain way at a certain time that we can’t seem to look around all the time and notice the changes. With our blinders on we can hardly see when to turn and like a horse on a race track we are simply told to run and keep running by someone above us that we can’t even physically see. Just like that horse we feel the presence of that force driving us to keep doing what we must.

Change is constant in life. We are growing and dying at the same time. How odd. We grow mentally and even physically but at the same time we are expiring. Dying slowly. Our cells falling from our skin our organs getting older. We are forever aging and yet . . .  growing.

High School is over for me as well as for all my classmates. We are all moving on. Growing up, moving away. I will leave soon too. And another change will occur for me.

It seems that we only notice the changes when a large one happens. Moving or graduating or going to college. Whatever the event, we never notice the changes untill we look in a mirror one day or pack our material items we collected over the years.

I am changing and I can see it. My hair is different and I will be starting a new life soon. Soon I’ll be very different. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be different.

Maybe I’ll know when my hair gets longer. I think it already has grown so much since I got it cut.

Maybe it grew since I last checked.

Maybe you grew too.