28: Trust is not a Weakness

Image by vagawi  via Flickr

I would think that trusting people is difficult. We are surrounded by people in this world who are cruel and liars. It’s hard for many to open up and leave behind the shields and armor that protect their hearts. I personally find it difficult to trust at first.

That’s not to say that I don’t trust others because I certainly do. Trusting is hard. It leaves you open to be disappointed. You trust others to always be there for you, to follow through on a promise, to be a friend. That trust can make you strong as well as break you down.

Trusting is hard for me because I know not everyone that I trust will always be there for me. It’s truly impossible for things to last forever. It’s impossible for situations to not change. It can’t always have the same variables because they are variables. Everything changes. People are busy, they have priorities, sometimes things are impossible and can’t happen. People leave, people die. Everything changes.

We depend on people. We trust them and that leaves us open for pain. Depending on others is a weakness but it is actually a strength. Trust is a strength. It’s almost impossible not to trust in life. Even if you think you don’t you still trust people to not be trustworthy and that is a strength as well.

We need to have faith in people because how can we live if we don’t? We need to trust and have faith in something even if it is nothing that is still something to our heart.

Blind trust, blind faith is weakness, but if those feelings are true? If they have merit and reason and love then we can have hope. Hope is what keeps us going.

People are awful and can betray trust but that doesn’t mean we are weak if we continue to trust. If we cease to trust then we cease to live.

Hope stems from trust and faith in people. Hope is what links us together and gives us strength. If we can trust people to do small things then together we become strong and can create ripples in the world.

That is my hope and my strength. I will continue to trust because I am strong.

Trusting gives us strength.

27: I will be happy

Image via Wikipedia

Blogging every day is kinda hard. I’m at 27 now and while there is a lot to type about I don’t know if I really feel like it all the time.

This writing everyday, it’s really good exersize for my mind, but I guess it can be a little difficult. Sometimes stuff happens and you don’t feel like sharing or nothing acutally happens.

Stuff happens I guess. There’s nothing much I can do about it and won’t cry. I’m not exactly the crying type anyway. What’s worse is when things happen and you kind of saw them coming. You feel like some sort of idiot.

I don’t really know if that makes sense but I guess what I mean is something like this. For a person who thinks in worse case senarios, I can say that it henders you a lot when you want to do things or be happy. It’s like some kind of inner battle with yourself before things even happen. The thing that really beats down on you is when what you were expecting to happen actually happens. It loses its surprise or pain.

Part of me is happy for that. Part of me is glad that I morn for a loss before I lose it because everything is lost eventually. It feels less hurtful when it happens. You feel the pain but at least you can face it better. Pain makes you stronger. Thus that makes pain important and good, in a way.

I say that but I also find it a silly and a stupid way to look at things. Pain should be avoided right? Pain is awful and hurtful and can scar people for life. How can such a thing be good?

I should be happy. I really should. Things are going awful but I really should be happy because things are going great for me as well.

Stuff happens and things get in the way but I wont make excusses. I wont say I can’t. I will be happy. I’ll take fear sadness pain anger, I’ll take all of it on and beat it to the ground. I wont lose. I don’t like to lose even to feelings. I wont stop those feelings from happening. That’s impossible, but I will not be ruled by them. I will not cry untill I wish too.

I will be happy because I should be.

25: What you find hanging on a lamp

Image via Wikipedia

My memories are all through out my room and the list of where I got all my little trinkets could go on and on. They are small things but it seems together I’ve got quite the collection of stuff. Wouldn’t it be easier to fit them all in memory cards? There are too many memories to carry around. Even a small area contains to much memory to carry to a new place.

Today I picked to focus on a single area. I hang stuff on the switch of my lamp. It’s actually the only source of light in my room when it’s not daylight. I have to walk across my room to turn it on but it’s extremely bright because it doesn’t have a lamp shade. It’s funny because I’ve never gotten one. I always talked about getting one but I never have. I’m going to be leaving this special room soon and I guess I’ll never have the chance to get that lampshade.

I kind of like it that way though. It’s odd that I like my lamp not to have a lamp shade. I guess it’s just apart of my room.

There are quite a few objects hanging on that switch to this particular lamp. Actually there are so many now its harder to turn the darn thing on and off.

I guess I’ll start with the latest things I’ve added. Something you’ll find is my graduating tassel. For some reason, no matter how obtuse or nonchalant I am about graduating I feel nostalgic and attachment to that time. I also have a necklace with a class ring attached on this switch as well. I know that I have only graduated recently but it feels odd to think I’m not going back to a public school kind of life.

I’m glad too because the system sucks here in Texas especially. What are our representatives thinking? But to other things.

My friend, whom I’ve known since elementary school was hit by a car about a week before graduation and broke a bone in her neck. That was very sad for me because while I haven’t talked to her in so long (due to boyfriend and job and not having any of the same classes ect. ect.) I still feel close to her. She has the worst kind of luck. She still went to graduation though. It’s hard for her but she’s tough, and is loved.

When I visited her I got to see two of my old friends and we all enjoyed an odd yet amusing and happy day at the hospital. It’s weird but we had so much fun that day. We spent so much time at the hospital, most people would have left but we had fun and cheered up a good friend. My old friend gave us a gift for graduation and it was a cute beaded necklace. That necklace is hanging on the light switch as well.

Next is the name tag for the VASE art contest. This past year I participated in an art contest and I got to see so much amazing work. We had fun and ate yummy food and made art! It was so much fun.

Next to that is the ID card to my three-day trip in San Antonio for my first ever ANIME CONVENTION! I went with a large group and we stayed in the hotel. It was quite the experience and I wont forget how awesome and weird and so much FUN it was!

I have two cupcake rings that I’ve gotten in the past. One was from a friend’s birthday party that we had at Barton Springs that was so fun and the other was from a UIL Academic school thing I participated in. It was one of the student’s birthday so we had cupcakes. I’ll never forget that trip, probably ever. That’s all I’m going to say on that.

For Christmas, my secret santa in my Orchestra class was India my beloved stand partner! She gave me wonderful handmade cookies and chocolate! Plus a cute drawing (that I have on my photo colage) and a cute little plush turtle that attached to a pencil. It’s hooked on another Orchestra memory.

It’s dice that has glow in the dark stars! You know, the kind that you hang in your car? I don’t have a car but it hangs on my lamp. I got it at Blazer Tag. That was the first time I ever did that laser gun thing and I sucked at it. But it was fun. I got a ride home with some of them because it was raining and I didn’t have my umbrella. Nice friends.

All these memories are on a lamp.

How crazy that a little switch can hold so many memories. So much can be held in so little space and mementos are so simple and meaningful. How can I bring all of them to my new home?

I guess those memories are in me and I don’t need objects to hold them.

But every time I see them hanging on my lamp switch, every time I turn of the light when I go to bed, I see those objects and remember.

24: The many joys of baking

Image by yum9me via Flickr

Today I baked brownies. Actually I’m eating one right now. Mmmmm yummy. I love baking very much. It makes me so happy to make something sweet or fluffy, warm and moist. I love the happiness it brings to those who eat them.

Of course I love sweet things, I enjoy sugar very much but the feeling of baking makes me much happier. When ever I make a birthday cake I enjoy mixing the batter by hand. I enjoy licking the spatula after I put the pan in the oven. I love the smell it fills the house with. It makes it feel more homey to have the smell of baked goods all around.

Baking with love is a real thing. It helps with me that I’m actually good at it but that’s beyond the point. I just love the way it tastes.

I don’t give my family presents very much any more. It doesn’t help that I usually don’t have money but it’s just that every year I bake them something. We all enjoy eating cake together and watch a movie.

That seems so much more amazing than any other gift I could get.

It also makes it special.

Sometimes something small can make an ordinary day special or make a special day not as special.

Christmas will never happen for me unless I make at least 3 batches of different types of cookies. One of them MUST be sugar cookies with holiday cut outs of trees, bells, reindeer, santa clause and stars.

Christmas just doesn’t start for me until I bake cookies.

Fathers day wont happen unless I make my special peach cobbler. It can’t happen untill I do. I have in the past ran to the store to by an extra bag of peaches just to make it happen.

For me baking is joy. It doesn’t matter who it’s for or what occasion, if they enjoy it and they smile or say its wonderful, if they are happy and if I’m happy then its pure joy for me.

Baking is wonderful. It’s from the heart. It’s also delicious if I make it.

You can’t beat that.

Related articles

• Brownie Cookies (mybeautifuldisasters.wordpress.com)
• Paleo* Recipe: Hazelnut Caveman Brownies From Caveman Cookies (blisstree.com)
• Cooking PSA – How to cut brownies (swampofboredom.com)
• Sugar Cookie Day Is Tooth Fairy’s Day Off (friendseat.com)
• Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe (vault9.net)

20: Floating Along Searching Part 4

I drew this and it shows what this post is about

This island is really nice. I actually quite enjoy it. I found a very welcome rhythm to this life. I’ve still been keeping track of the days though. I feel like I don’t know anything though.

I still don’t know exactly where I am at the moment. Why is such a place existing anyway? Why do I have to be here and what is the purpose? I guess that’s why I’m here though. I can see that it’s going to be a hard journey but I won’t stop. I will figure something out. I have so far. I must have faith.

Today was especially difficult. I have fallen behind on schedule. I made a goal for myself. Isn’t that precious? I feel like a child planning their future in college while in elementary school. I am excited about leaving the island.

That’s what I plan to do. I will leave the island and search for my own place. I will figure out the meaning of this journey though. I keep thinking about it since I have so much free time.

I haven’t gotten very far with the whole message of this thing just yet but I feel like I’m on the verge of figuring it out. It’s like I’m grasping at something between the seat of a car, searching for something a little out of reach under a bed. I can see it but can’t touch it. It feels so close like this moon. I feel like it’s a goal and I can almost reach it. Will I be able too?

I have made a couple of test rafts to see if I can actually do this. To be honest I failed miserably at first. survival stuff is really hard for someone like me but I guess the hardest thing is being alone.

People shouldn’t be alone. It’s bad for them. I wish I had anyone here so that we could work together. Honestly anyone would work. I just need someone other that the bugs to keep me company. People need people and let’s get this straight, I know I am a person. Being alone sucks.

It certainly feels lonely working all by myself. A big part of me hates that but some small bit is happy for the fact that I can take care of myself. A person has to go through that in their life though right? There must be a period where we are alone and to get through it proves you’re worth and that you deserve to be where you are.

I earned this island, and while its unfair, I feel glad that I got to this point.

I am capable and confident on this island. I feel safe here. That’s hard to believe but its true. I can handle it.

This is the point where I prove myself and work hard.

Time to start another day.