27: I will be happy

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Blogging every day is kinda hard. I’m at 27 now and while there is a lot to type about I don’t know if I really feel like it all the time.

This writing everyday, it’s really good exersize for my mind, but I guess it can be a little difficult. Sometimes stuff happens and you don’t feel like sharing or nothing acutally happens.

Stuff happens I guess. There’s nothing much I can do about it and won’t cry. I’m not exactly the crying type anyway. What’s worse is when things happen and you kind of saw them coming. You feel like some sort of idiot.

I don’t really know if that makes sense but I guess what I mean is something like this. For a person who thinks in worse case senarios, I can say that it henders you a lot when you want to do things or be happy. It’s like some kind of inner battle with yourself before things even happen. The thing that really beats down on you is when what you were expecting to happen actually happens. It loses its surprise or pain.

Part of me is happy for that. Part of me is glad that I morn for a loss before I lose it because everything is lost eventually. It feels less hurtful when it happens. You feel the pain but at least you can face it better. Pain makes you stronger. Thus that makes pain important and good, in a way.

I say that but I also find it a silly and a stupid way to look at things. Pain should be avoided right? Pain is awful and hurtful and can scar people for life. How can such a thing be good?

I should be happy. I really should. Things are going awful but I really should be happy because things are going great for me as well.

Stuff happens and things get in the way but I wont make excusses. I wont say I can’t. I will be happy. I’ll take fear sadness pain anger, I’ll take all of it on and beat it to the ground. I wont lose. I don’t like to lose even to feelings. I wont stop those feelings from happening. That’s impossible, but I will not be ruled by them. I will not cry untill I wish too.

I will be happy because I should be.

18: Floating Along Searching Part 2

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I’m floating around still. I am still lost. Where is the land at! I feel like I have been floating around her forever now. How long has it been? Time started when I actually moved but now it seems I count the days by meals. I count the days by waves now. Somehow I’ve started counting the days in other ways than the actual movement of the sun. When I think about it I realize that the ocean actually makes up most of this speck of a planet. I should come across land soon though right? RIGHT!

I’ve gathered stuff on the way. It’s not much but I can’t just float on a board right? There are a lot of plant stuff around so I bound some more wood to my plank. I can get out of the water now but sometimes its cold. Sometimes I’m scared. I’m hungry and have no mass to me now. I need things but I can’t find them here. I have to keep moving.

I feel dead but I can’t give up. I am numb but I won’t stop. Why am I still moving again? Sometimes I forget. There is no one here to remind me. I’m not crazy yet but this situation would make anyone crazy. Or am I crazy? I forget. Things just are not easy here. Why is it so hard? I’m going though and learning on the way.

I’ve got quite the raft going now. It’s very impressive and that little raft gave me some hope and enthusiasm when I first put it together. I even figured out how to not die yet. Yes I’m very impressive right now. Or at least that’s what I though. I’m still hungry and I can’t quite figure out how to not be cold. There is nothing here anymore. I have to find something quick.

I don’t know which direction to go in though. I don’t know anything. What made me think I was awesome before? What made me think I was special? I am obviously not for being in this situation. I have to keep going though. Why, I can’t remember anymore.

Do you think it would be easier to drown? Maybe giving up would be easier. At least I wont be in pain anymore. But isn’t that kinda cowardly? I don’t know. Maybe I should keep going for a while longer. If it gets that bad maybe I’ll think of giving up again. I have to hope for a while longer. I have to keep going. Right?

This is stupid. There is no hope there is no chance. I have no reason anymore. I should just leave this stupid raft I put together on my own. I say that yet I don’t want to leave. It feels like the only think I’ve ever known.

What is that? Is it a blob? I can’t tell. I can’t see. Is it something? Can I dare to hope? This happened too many time already but is it something?

Look! There’s a beach! It really is one! I can’t believe it! There is someplace to get off at! Maybe I’ll be safe now. Maybe I’ll be ok! I just have to get there. I can do it! I can see it. I can do it. I’ve lasted this long I can make it.

I think I’ll just crash on this nice beach and just close my eyes for just one second. For just a little while I don’t have to worry about drowning. Maybe, someone will find me. Maybe I am finally free of the ocean.

Related articles

• 17: Floating Along Searching Part 1 (1behindthemask.wordpress.com)
• Toss Your Expectations Into the Ocean (zenhabits.net)

14: Floating Flying Feathers

Image by Marius Waldal via Flickr

Feathers are amazing are they not? Just thinking of how interesting and amazing they are makes me happy. The softness and fuzzy feeling of a feather makes me so very happy.

It’s silly to think about but I love feathers. I love the way they float in the sky and the feeling they create. It sort of feels like they are free and happy little objects. Yeah, I know it’s weird to think that feathers are “happy” but don’t they look like that to you?

Sometimes I wish I could be covered in soft feathers. I want the security feeling of softness and the ticklish itch it can create with a touch. I want to fly like birds do with their feathers and wings. Wings would be very cool but I don’t think I would be able to fly with just wings and they would get in the way. My bones are just too dense so they wouldn’t be useful.

But a girl can dream.

I wish I could fly like that feather and be taken away by the wind sometimes. I wish I could float happily in the sunset as a beautiful soft feather making other people happy.

Haven’t you seen a feather and just become happy? I have. It’s a wonderful feeling to feel elated just by watching a feather float around.

Feathers seem so gentle and fragile but they can be strong when they work together with other feathers. It’s quite amazing. It’s like people. We seem so vulnerable and weak but when we work together we can somehow do amazing things.

Yeah, sometimes being like a feather would be nice. I’d like to think that it would though. Sometimes not being in control and flowing with the wind seems like an easy way to live. Being something useful and beautiful, well appreciated, it seems nice to simply be a happy object floating in the wind taken away without a care in the world.

On the other hand I could never stand to be a feather. I’m just not that kind of person. I firmly believe that I make the decisions in my life. I feel with all my heart that I am the way I am because of my choice. I could never be ignorant and not have a care. I could never freely float around happily all my days making people happy with my presence. I am just not capable of doing something like that.

It is incompatible with my personality.

I’m not a feather but I do like to admire them. I am not so silly as to truly wish to be like a feather because I am glad to be who I am. So I’ll never be a feather.

I’ll never be a feather but I do very much love them and their innocent like grace.

10: Smiles are Contagious

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Isn’t smiling great? Smiling is very important and when you’re sad, a smile from a friend is everything. We use smiles to put people at ease, make a good impression and simply to show our happiness. How is it that something so small as a smile is capable of changing your day?

A smile is special and so very useful. It can express your happiness in a way that words cannot. Just getting a friend or a special person to smile can be the whole point of your day. And when you smile that transfers over to a friend or loved one so easily that they couldn’t possibly not smile back. It can be oh so very contagious, much like a good laugh. When you really care, something as small as a smile can mean so much.

That simple upturn of your lips can be a mask to hide behind as well. When you want to hide your pain and sadness a smile, while now not contagious, can keep people at bay. It hurts to be sad all the time and it’s hard to be around friends when you can be a little depressed but sometimes a smile to cover that up, no matter how difficult it is to do or how unconvincing it is, is all that you can do. It is something to hide behind, something to give to people instead of sad expressions or tears. Even if it doesn’t work it is at least something.

All we want to do is be happy right?

Smiles make people happy. Smile. Smile. Smile. Just writing this makes me smile.

If I can make people smile just by writing and sharing then I think I’ll have to do it more often.

Do what makes you happy and if you get the chance smile, smile for other people so that they too may in turn smile back.

Keep smiling.

7: Looking up from Nothing

Late night blogs are always the best and most dramatic and angsty. I don’t know what it is about the dark that reveals so much in your heart. Whatever it is, I tend to write really well when I can’t get an idea out of my head. Here it is that’s kept me up.

It’s a weird feeling. Like when you lie down for too long and when you get up, you’re vision goes black and you head turns light. You feel as if you weigh so much that you are about to fall over. That feeling of falling over without much of an ability of being able to stop it, that is similar to this feeling. My heart feels heavy and I feel like there is something inexplicably wrong with me. I didn’t realize this feeling for a while though.

I didn’t realize how much it hurt and what it meant. I didn’t know what it was. Now I do. It was me realizing that what I thought I had turn out to really be nothing. My head had processed it in the back of my mind and I, like an idiot, finally realized it. I was searching so hard for a label for what I thought I had.

I tried on many, donning them like outfits, articles of clothing or jewelry that could easily be removed, but I realized that they just covered up what it really was. It was makeup. It is a mask that I had created for myself yet again but this time instead of tricking others to hide what I wanted I tricked myself.

I tricked myself, what an awful feeling. I hid something from myself, it was shrouded in darkness and now it feels like that mask was ripped off like duck tape over a mouth. I can hear it screaming at me. I feel betrayed but it was my own fault for creating something I thought was real while in fact it was something so small.

That doesn’t make it insignificant or any less important but like a childish ignorant girl, I took that and blew it out of proportion in my mind. How could I be so cruel to myself? I hurt myself and I am dealing with it.

There is no label for what I had because it was Nothing. I thought it could be something but I distorted it so much. I can’t blame it because it was always Nothing. Absolutely and completely Nothing. Nothing is happening and Nothing happened. I misunderstood and kept running with it. What an idiot I am. How stupid was I that I actually . . . . . . .

This is the part where I sigh and cheer myself up. I need to become hopeful because that is all I have going for me. I see the world and am cynical but I must be hopeful. I can’t spiral out of control.

I am strong.

I realized it and will learn. I won’t stop hoping but I also won’t fall for my own allusions no matter how convincing they are.
For now the label for what I have is Nothing but it has potential. Maybe now isn’t the best time seeing what’s ahead, but it still is possible.

Anything is possible.

I won’t miss label things. I won’t be upset anymore because I understand what I have.

Nothing is actually a seed in my hand. It is nothing at the moment, it can’t give shade and it’s not helpful, it doesn’t give me fruit nor is particularly useful but it has potential. It can grow and it could become something amazing.

I have to believe and hope. Hope is the very best thing to have when you have Nothing.

When you have Nothing beneath you all you have to do is simply look up and there is still potential right above you.