30: Reaching out is hard

I have a hard time starting to talk to people. I am what you would call a little anti-social. It’s an actual problem for people, those of whom are good with speaking to others. Some people just don’t like to talk to people they don’t know at first.

I have a mild case of the problem. I can’t exactly say that I’m completely anti-social because I do talk to others if put in that situation and while I am awkward, people find me pleasant to talk to. I just can’t start a conversation well.

Other people find it easier to take a first step and be friendly. I myself, am not this kind of person. For me reaching out is hard. That might make what my next step in life a little hard for me.

I’m going off to college and it’s in another state with no one I know anywhere nearby. I will be utterly alone with no one I know from before.

You can see how that can be a little daunting for me.

With this problem I find I can’t exactly escape the fear that it will be hard for me there but I also feel so reassured that this was the best choice for me.

Going out of my comfort zone a little at a time has always been my plan and this is just another step.

If I break it down I can reach out a little at a time and make a new friend each time then I should be fine.

In a months time I will be in a place alone with no old friend to help me through my new life.

It’s going to be great.

8: Locked Doors

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Locked doors. Are they not curious? I mean when you see something that’s locked are you not a little bit curious as to whats behind it?

When you’re little, girls especially, have these diaries with locks on them with cute little pictures and rainbow-colored paper. They were fun and interesting but hard to keep up with, at least it was for me. I was looking through one of mine the other day and well, I realize that they were pretty lame. It’s hard to realize how silly and unimportant the things in your life was back then. Even only a year ago, something you thought that was important feels pretty insignificant now.

We lock things because we find them important enough to hide. Maybe its to keep out of our own temptation or maybe the temptation of others, but what ever the reason there are locks out there.

Sometimes we want to hide things but other times people use locks to protect whats precious to them too. Feelings and thoughts that are for one person alone, those are important and priceless sometimes. Those feelings can be embarrassing and are private, no one wants to be revealed.

Things that are locked inside of us are harder to open. You can’t force open those inner locks. Keys for something like that are even harder to find and harder to use.

Secrets and hidden things are important for people. It gives them a sense of security with themself. Nobody want’s to be figured out so easily, nobody want’s to be vulnerable.

It’s hard to open up and trust. It’s hard to take off a lock and hope that a closed-door is enough for people. It’s hard to trust someone with a key and hope that they don’t misuse it. Trusting is difficult. It takes time to feel comfortable with it.

Maybe I have too many locks but I hope that’s understandable. It’s not a big deal is it? To want to protect myself? Sometimes I don’t pay attention and forget. It can be frightening to look up and realize someone easily got through.

You curse yourself for your silliness and then the person has to start all over again.

I’m sorry person.

Some people are guarded like me. Give them a chance. It takes time. When they pull away, they don’t really mean it to be harsh. They are just hiding because they are scared.

We are all really just scared.

6: Feelings with Undiscovered Reasons

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What is this random sadness? There is no reason for me to be sad randomly like that. I was having fun, surrounded by people I liked and enjoying myself just fine. So why the sadness?

What is with these random feelings that come out of no where? I can feel my smile deflating and my happiness disappear. Where did it go and what caused it?

I feel terrified of this. I don’t understand and I have no explanation for what happens to me. I don’t like being unable to explain something pertaining to myself, especially my feelings. Why was I sad! Why did I get upset? What is the matter with me?

Was it subconscious? Was it something that happened around me? Was I sad for someone else or myself? I can’t even figure that part out.

How very. . . . . . . . . disturbing.

I am disturbed by this. Why did it happen? I would really like to understand.

Whatever the reason may be (for I have no inkling on an idea) there is nothing I can do about it. After a few minuets the upset feeling for not understanding faded and I turned to a mode of rational processing.

There is nothing to do about this problem. It was small and while it caused a storm inside me, it hadn’t truly affected me in any other way. There is no reason to get upset over such a silly thing. There is no reason to worry about something that you can’t change.

What happened has happened. The feelings you felt once upon a time could very well change, that is what made it the past. You feel sad or happy or angry, sure at the time, but if you carry it over, what is the point of that? Those are simply false feelings now. People shouldn’t worry about such silly things. Everything is an experience and soon enough those mysteries will be figured out.

Sometimes those mysteries have terrifying conclusions.

Maybe not knowing now is important. I’ll figure it out when I’m ready.

I think I’ll be happy today. Yeah, happy would be nice.

5: Three spoonfuls is better

I have prided myself in not really being addicted to any particular activity. I try to be flexible and not rely on anything because someday that thing might not be there. Maybe it runs out or you can’t afford it, sometimes it gets lost or you cant see it anymore. Whatever the situation may be, it is just a way to protect myself from getting hurt.

I am not very brave.

I fear just about everything but I do my very best to hide it and protect myself. I feel like it is a competition of will and I really don’t like to lose or show weakness. Sure, no one really does, but I feel like I am at a battle with fear and while it affects me, I won’t give in. I don’t want to give fear the satisfaction of seeing me affected by it. I won’t allow it.

Lately though I find it hard to go through a day without my tea.

I must have it. I want it very much and sometimes it’s needed more on harder days. I love my tea. I appreciate the smell and the taste and even the feeling of refreshment from either cold or warm tea. After I drink tea, I feel happy and relaxed. I need it.

My back is always tense and I am always stiff but once I have tea, I relax, I’m happy. Talking over tea is my favorite thing to do. Reading a book while listening to music while drinking tea is fun. I enjoy it to no extent. I want that. That peace is precious and special.

Sometimes I think tea is a blessing.

I might be addicted to it though. I love it so much. It makes me happy, so very happy.

What if I lose that? I don’t want to lose my happiness. Haha, I’m ridiculous for fearing something so silly.

It’s weird though.

It doesn’t feel silly to me. Sure its small, but I don’t want to lose it. It seems selfish to me but I am human and we are selfish creatures. I never want to get addicted to anything because I fear the loss of it, the loss of my happiness.

Honestly, if tea is gone from my life for whatever reasons I would be ok. I would be upset about it and sad but I would be ok. That is only because I am fearful of letting anything extremely close to my heart.

I’ve gotten better though. I have gotten closer to becoming braver and more open than before. I find that I am very happy now, more happy than I have felt when I was closed off from everyone.

Even now I drink my iced tea careful not to spill on my fancy computer. It’s funny because the spoon is always there from my habit of taking it. The taste is sweet and it is refreshing because no matter what I do this heat is hard to fight off in my AC-less house.

Even as I get another cup, I have to be careful of how much sugar I put in because my mom is hovering over my shoulder. She gets mad if I put more that 2 spoonfuls. Even though I really should ration how much I use, I want the sweet taste of the sugar in my wonderful tea.

I want to get more out of life than just 2 spoonfuls. I am a greedy human.

Three spoonfuls is better.

2: This feeling of Limbo

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What should I do? Nothing right? Why am I upset like this or in reality why am I not more upset? Isn’t this upsetting? Life is complicated and thus we feel crushed by its power to change.

So many people around me, ok thats a lie, my very close very best friends including myself are having problems and we all feel hopeless or incapable of doing anything. We are frozen in a terrible spot stuck on the desisions of the other party. How sad, the feeling of not having any control.

Its a terrifying feeling in the gut of my stomach. The inability to have a choice because you can’t make the other person decide. It’s their choice, all we can do is sit and wait.

Waiting can be sufficating. So painfull. Like we’re drowning. But not.

Eh I’m just being an angsty drama queen. I in fact have a different sort of problem than my friends but as I said it can be terrifing. The lack of control is awful. Just imagining their feelings is what brought me to this. I guess I’m sort of dedicating this post to them.

My heart clenches with the feelings of being left behind. The doubt and the pain of waiting, It’s like watching someone swinging on the edge of a branch mere seconds away from falling to their doom yet the suspence is almost as painful as said doom. The feeling is sufficating. Waiting. Waiting. It’s not like there is something that I can do or they can do. We are just waiting because we can’t do anything.

I am better off right now because I have accepted that I can’t do anything so while I am upset I can’t worry too much about it. There is hardly anything to do so I should let it go.

Let it go.

It will work itself out. Certainly.

Yeah well, say that to my gut. I’d like to breathe again.