15: Oh gross hey! DON’T TOUCH ME!!!

I have a problem with cockroaches. I really don’t like them. They are so gross! I am a girl so I can have a problem with bugs without feeling like a wimp ok. I just really don’t like them touching me.

Even picking out a picture to use was hard. The whole time I was thinking “Ewwww not that one. Oh I can’t use that one either that’s gross AAAAHHHH WHY IS THERE A ROACH ON HER MOUTH!!!!!” *Sigh* I picked the least gross looking one I could find even though they are not the ones found in my house. I really don’t care, they are all kinda gross.

I don’t freak out and scream when I see them crawling on the ground and even the walls. I really don’t care about them even existing. I just really wish they wouldn’t touch me.

Now normally you would just have someone exterminate the little buggers but were poor here and it usually is not that bad. Really, we have special conditions in our house and it is not that bad here. We don’t get delivery and we don’t have a lot of trash either nor do we leave food out of air tight containers. So it’s not bad.

What sucks is when our neighbors bomb their house and they run to ours for cover. I HATE it. They can afford to pay for people to come and bomb their house but we can’t and have to spray them with poison in cans and smash them with shoes. It’s terrible. No really. When they do that we see a dramatic increase at our house, especially over the holidays because of all the trash people have.

Ugh, did I mention I hate it when that happens? I really do.

I can’t hate their existence but I really wish they wouldn’t touch me. Or fly near me.

OH MY GOD I HATE the flying ones. They freak me out the most. For some reason they always fly near me and I don’t see why.

So yeah other than that I can’t really hate them because they at least put some enjoyment in my life and excitement too. It’s like a challenge when I need water in the middle of the night. Or if I need to take a shower and one is hanging out in the tub, it’s a challenge to kill them. Squashing them with my shoe is fun, especially when they are really good escape artists. Even the ones on the ceiling are fun to try to get. My favorite way has to be when I drown them in boiling hot water in my kitchen sink. I see them twirl round and round dying in the scorching water.

Yes, as I look back at what I’m writing it does seem a little creepy in how I enjoy the challenge of killing something. It’s like a sport. But I don’t hate them.

I just really wish that they wouldn’t touch me.

Related articles

• Cockroach busters! (vivianbee.wordpress.com)
• The Story Of A Cockroach (mydecorarticles.com)
• Die Cockroach DIE! (633woman.com)
• What Are The Most Common Types Of Cockroaches (mydecorarticles.com)
• Houdini (alittlebitofintrepidity.com)
• Cockroach Alert (astrangerintehran.wordpress.com)

12: Perfection should never exist

Image by Graela via Flickr

Isn’t perfect scary? Who would want to be perfect? I don’t understand that need. It would be predictable and annoying not to mention just plain boring. It’s also impossible and rightfully so.

People strive to be perfect and that is just silly to me. Why would you want to strive for something that is not reachable? What is perfect anyway? Who came up with such a silly word? Some think of it to be without any faults or defects but isn’t that impossible? You can tell that its been debated because they add to it stuff like “satisfying all requirements” or “as close as possible” is sort of like qualifying it. Perfect used in the term of “Ideal” is an acceptable use of the word but some people really believe that someone is perfect or should strive for it. What a silly view.

Perfect is boring. Sometimes the gems with the blemishes and imperfections are the most beautiful and interesting. The “Ideal” person doesn’t make it the best or the most wonderful one. Who would want to be perfect anyway? Isn’t that hard to keep up?

Perfect means you are at the limit, the end of your existence and can’t and wouldn’t be able to advance any further. How depressing. Who wants to reach a limit? Who wants to be just perfect? Who wants to be “Ideal” or “Satisfying”? Nobody should want that.

We should want to be better. Become our best and work to be better. If we got to a point of “Perfection” wouldn’t that be depressing? Our life would hold no other meaning anymore. If someone could even grasp perfection then what else would they have to do anymore? They would have no meaning anymore.

This is how I feel though. Maybe I’m wrong or whatever but I find perfect to be annoying and terrifying as well as impossible.

I should hope that perfection never exists, ever. It would be a bad day, depressing and the world would lose all meaning. I want to always strive to be better.

I want to work and work and sweat and fight and tire and try again the next day. I want a battle and I want to be better. I am selfish and greedy, I want more and I want to be smarter and I want to be more understanding. I want so much. I want everything.

Perfect would get in the way. There is no perfect. There is no “Ideal”. There is only better.

I want to work and be better. I want to keep living to be better. I want the best and then I want something better than that.

I am greedy but I want to work to get there. It can get better.

Perfect will never exist for us humans.

Perfect is stupid, I look for something higher up than that.

Don’t you want to look higher too?

14: Floating Flying Feathers

Image by Marius Waldal via Flickr

Feathers are amazing are they not? Just thinking of how interesting and amazing they are makes me happy. The softness and fuzzy feeling of a feather makes me so very happy.

It’s silly to think about but I love feathers. I love the way they float in the sky and the feeling they create. It sort of feels like they are free and happy little objects. Yeah, I know it’s weird to think that feathers are “happy” but don’t they look like that to you?

Sometimes I wish I could be covered in soft feathers. I want the security feeling of softness and the ticklish itch it can create with a touch. I want to fly like birds do with their feathers and wings. Wings would be very cool but I don’t think I would be able to fly with just wings and they would get in the way. My bones are just too dense so they wouldn’t be useful.

But a girl can dream.

I wish I could fly like that feather and be taken away by the wind sometimes. I wish I could float happily in the sunset as a beautiful soft feather making other people happy.

Haven’t you seen a feather and just become happy? I have. It’s a wonderful feeling to feel elated just by watching a feather float around.

Feathers seem so gentle and fragile but they can be strong when they work together with other feathers. It’s quite amazing. It’s like people. We seem so vulnerable and weak but when we work together we can somehow do amazing things.

Yeah, sometimes being like a feather would be nice. I’d like to think that it would though. Sometimes not being in control and flowing with the wind seems like an easy way to live. Being something useful and beautiful, well appreciated, it seems nice to simply be a happy object floating in the wind taken away without a care in the world.

On the other hand I could never stand to be a feather. I’m just not that kind of person. I firmly believe that I make the decisions in my life. I feel with all my heart that I am the way I am because of my choice. I could never be ignorant and not have a care. I could never freely float around happily all my days making people happy with my presence. I am just not capable of doing something like that.

It is incompatible with my personality.

I’m not a feather but I do like to admire them. I am not so silly as to truly wish to be like a feather because I am glad to be who I am. So I’ll never be a feather.

I’ll never be a feather but I do very much love them and their innocent like grace.

13: Making Memories and Reminiscing

Me at Barton Springs in Austin TX

Today I was broken out of my “do nothing” marathon I was having in my room. Other than thinking and blogging all I have been doing is listening to music and reading manga. Yeah, pretty dorky but it’s a good rest before I go to college.

My very good friend got me and my brother out of the house to go swimming at Barton Springs. I very much enjoy Austin, especially the free side of Barton Springs. Having memories there are important before I leave. I’ll look back and see pictures, have memories and visit again soon with those I care about. I hope to keep those memories and continue to create them.

Once finished, my friend Sara and I started to wonder what we’ll miss most about orchestra. For us orchestra was like our clubhouse, our home at school, the place we went whenever we felt like it. It was always ok to go to orchestra. It was always fun there. We always laughed and all of us orch-dorks were good friends.

I’ll miss playing pool with each other on Mondays at Slick Willies with Megan, Josh, Grace and Sara. I’ll miss playing Signs with everyone there. I’ll miss the inside jokes (Look! I’m a tree!) and the fun we always had together no matter what. I’ll miss Mr. Baird and his wacky personality and every one of us being together. How can I not miss something so like a second family?

I’ll be able to visit but it won’t be the same. That same feeling, I don’t think, will exist again exactly like that. It won’t be the Crockett Orchestra for me anymore. Those are memories now. Very important and special memories. I love them very much. We were all so different, so special to work together with. I have that in my heart but it is over now.

I’ll have another family elsewhere, I can hope at least that it will happen for me when I move. It wont be the same and it wont be better but I can hope I will be lucky enough to have a similar feeling of home away from home again.

Memories are special. I will always have my orchestra family and I will always have great friends to get me out of the house.

Those feelings are warm and surround me like the sun’s rays as I lay out on the rock at Barton. Just because I am in a different place, it doesn’t make those rays any less warm.

72: Unfamiliar situation: Challenge accepted

Kind of lost but whatever

I don’t know what’s up but something is wrong with me. I won’t be crushed by it though. I guess I just need some time to get through it and work it out in my head.

My brain is having a hard time understanding what’s going on right now. I kind of wish to be asked or explain in some way but even I have a limit to what I am willing to disclose.

I don’t want to be someone I’m not. Maybe I should just figure out what I really want. I can’t for certain figure out what my problem really is.

It’s kind of a lie though.

I find that I lie to myself and actively realize that I’m lying. I know it yet for some reason I continue to go with it. I lie and right after laugh at myself for being such a fool to even think such a silly lie to myself. It’s different to lie to another than lying to yourself.

I’m going to let it go. I will probably chew it around in my head for some time but I can already see what’s the matter with me.

The question isn’t exactly what my problem is, but more like understanding it and finding a way to get through it. Maybe understanding it is my answer. It’s hard though.

I don’t want to say it aloud even to myself. I don’t know really what to do to face such a problem. If I say it aloud, I think it makes it real. I don’t want to be beaten though. I don’t want to lose to this stupid force that some how has gotten to me already. I don’t want it to effect me.

I dont’ want to care.

I keep telling myself that I don’t care but I can’t deny that it’s bothering me.

This intuition of mine is setting alarm bells in the back of my head and I should listen to them. I can’t ignore something like this feeling of self-preservation. I feel something. I can’t describe it though. Anger? I don’t know, maybe I’m internalizing it too much but I can feel it. I can feel this shift. I want to just be alone for a little while. Collect myself. Fix my face so that it looks right so I don’t freak out. I don’t freak out.

I’m too strong to do anything crazy. I won’t be forced to be flattened by this stupid gravity. I kind of just want to be myself for a while unaffected by other forces for a little bit. I don’t really know where to hide off to though.

Such a new place to just want to be alone. It’s weird but I don’t exactly know where I should hide off to so that my face can be fixed. I don’t really want it to fall apart.

I don’t show weakness. This wall is pretty hard to push through. I won’t bleed. I won’t cry or sweat, that’s not me. I don’t need others to figure something like myself out.

I don’t want help.